“Oh man, Susi! I gotta talk to you. It’s like, an emergency.”

“Sure, what up dude?”

“I can’t say it over the phone! It’s too important!”

“Okay, drama queen, come on over then.”

Interesting… My boyfriend never starts a conversation off like that. He sounded nervous, agitated, and excited all at once. I guess all good things come to an end so I better start packing up his crap because I’m getting the boot. I should also prepare an “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you” speech.

When Blaine came over he didn’t even bother coming in the door. He told me that Steven needed to speak to him about important matters. Blaine was in OMG mode because he was expecting an out-of-the-closet talk and it was coming later that evening.

Steven? He was the dude who worked at the Boardwalk not making penis balloons. He seemed kind of quiet and impervious to humor. But that could have been because his main source of income was making balloon animals. I’m sure if one more jerk asked him to make a penis balloon, that jerk would get shanked.

So I said, oh. I guess I was used to people getting all gay on me. I didn’t have the ‘dar and so I’d be genuinely surprised when my sister, my best friend, and a multitude of other friends came out of the closet.

“How do I let him know I care about him? How do I say it’s okay and I won’t think any less of him? Susi help me! He’s my good friend and I don’t want to say anything dumb!”

Here he was, some guy I caught on a rebound, racking his brain with something to say to a good friend. That’s probably the most emotion I’ve seen pour out of him ever. Never mind that I almost exorcised my guts on him when I had a C-section delivering his progeny. Nary a tear out of the dude!

Also, I don’t know why he was asking me for advice since I’m 0% for intelligent responses regarding the “coming out” talk:

“Are you kidding me?”
“Oh, like ‘happy’?” (That was my most ridiculous response. I was 12 when my sister came out.)
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Does this mean we’re going to Club Rainbow from now on?”

Not that I’m not open-minded, I’m just not really good at thinking on my feet. But Blaine and I sat down and we talked, and I told him all the things I would say if someone came out of the closet to me and I had the chance to formulate my thoughts. Basically, your run of the mill Hallmark Channel friendship stuff.

Blaine left later that evening when Steven came, with sweaty palms and confidence.

Later, he called me up and he sounded kind of funny.

“Susi! He just wanted to go shrooming!”