I’m a 31-year-old guy with a story to tell. It’s not a funny story, it’s not an exciting story, but if at least one person can relate to it and find something positive in it, I’ll be glad.
Ever since adolescence I’ve always fantasized about this cool, funny, good guy that I would fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. Of course life is never as we expect it to be and I jumped from abusive relationship, to meaningless relationship, to loveless relationship. I was in this horrible place where I was hating all men, as cold, heartless beings, or hating myself as someone who isn’t good enough for anyone to fall in love with. I lost my appetite, my sleep, I gave up on studying, making friends or spending time with my family. I felt so empty and sad, that everything else besides my eternal search for love seemed pointless. In this process, I became a mediocre student, and then made a mediocre life, I lost most of my friends and drifted more and more away from reality. I didn’t grow up and I didn’t become an adult. I’m not saying this is what always happens when someone’s heart is broken again and again, but this is the impact that had in my life.
About 4 years ago, I met a guy. An older, successful, handsome and charming guy. Even though I knew that such a person was way out of my league, I couldn’t help but to fall in love with him. We actually became lovers. One day I asked him what his feelings were towards me (pathetic, I know), and he very bluntly answered, “I’m not in love, if that’s what you want to know.” Well, it wasn’t a new experience for me but it hurt like hell even so. I decided to get away from him before I grew anymore attached. Time passed by and even though I met a few other guys, my mind was always on him. There wasn’t a single day that his face or name didn’t pop up in my mind. I just missed him terribly. So last year, I decided to look up for him once more. And as we returned to that familiar lovers-not-boyfriends situation, I realized something that eased my heart a little. It’s hard enough to say goodbye to love ones. I won’t leave this time, unless he tells me to. Love shouldn’t be perceived as some sort of currency, and my love should not be thrown away, unused just because I’m not loved back. I thought that the world is divided between the loved ones and the ones that only love. Not having the love of somebody didn’t tell me I was an unworthy person anymore. It actually is more valuable to be a person who is capable of loving. And that’s who I am. So I love him with no bounds, no expectations, and even though he doesn’t feel the same way, he lets me do my thing. Sometimes, in a tender kiss or hug of his or in a passionate moment in bed I even find happiness. I know that a lot of you will find me pathetic, or that I shouldn’t let myself be exploited this way but for some of us there’s only two options: to give our hearts or to keep all the love we have to ourselves and grow bitter and dead inside. I am someone who came into this world to love, and so it shall be. If anyone out there thinks that it’s not worth it, that your hearts were drained completely, just consider for a second, that you are an endless source of love, and that being able to give yourselves doesn’t me you’re weak. It makes you beautiful and precious.
How very sad that you are living a mediocre life.That’s why I follow Jesus and am His friend,I know all about of what you speak,and it’s your answer I feel for your pain and anguish.
For what it’s worth I deeply admire you to be able to love another person romantically with such passion in the natural,because you see I never could until one fine day I fell in love with a man through Jesus.And it’s a wonderful feeling.
Barbie, just Shut Up! This is not the place for your fanatical, fantasy life.
Marco, thank you for sharing your not funny, not exciting but very hearwarming story. I am newly out (just about 1 1/2 in my new gay life), and too am hoping to find someone who will love me. More importantly, like you, I am looking for someone to love.
Here’s hoping we both can find what we need.
Marco,
Thank you for sharing your story. There is more of this going on in the world than a lot of people want to face: the quiet courage of people who take the cards life has dealt them with humility and who play the best hand they can make. Obviously, loving is better than not; it’s a shame your lover can’t unclench and let himself bloom along with you. Best of luck, friend….
Marco,
You are not pathetic. But you are worth more than this. Deserve more than this. Loving someone is only half the relationship. His loving back is the other half.
I loved your story. I just got dumped by a guy I genuinely thought was the love of my life…. and maybe he is, even though I am not the love of his…. I miss him terribly and would give anything to hear his voice again, or to see him even just as friends…. but in a way this gives me hope. I can still care about him even if it is not reciprocated. I can still hope the best for him, and maybe down the road I will see him again, and maybe not, but either way it’s okay to love, even if the recipient does not love you back. If I have genuinely unconditional love for him, I want his happiness, even if that means with someone who is not me. And I told him that as we broke up. That I cared for him so much I wanted his happiness even if it meant with someone else. And I still mean that. But oh dear god it hurts. Thank you for your story.
Marco, I relate very much to your story. Thank you for offering it here. I very much admire you for reaching the place where you are. I haven’t been able to get there yet, but I’m working on it.
Marco, you aren’t pathetic and you’re definitely not alone! In fact your story was hard for me to read at first because it hit so close to home. A few years ago I realized I was in love with my best friend and roommate, who happens to be straight. For years I tried numbing myself with drugs and alcohol until it finally got out of control… I dropped out of school, lost my job and ended up in rehab. I finally made a decision to get control of my life and get out of my rut. I came to terms with my feelings for him, and even though I was worried this would end our friendship I decided I needed to tell him how I felt. He told me he loved me too… but not in the same way. Even though that hurt, it gave me a measure of relief, and I used it as my excuse to “move on”. I decided to be thankful, everyday, for having any part of him in my life instead of hurting myself by dwelling on what might be. We’re still best friends today, I still love him and I know he loves me too – in his own way. Thanks for sharing… here’s to a bright future!
Thank you so much, everyone! Your words of understanding and support make me feel that I´m not alone. There are so meny other stories and so many different ways each person finds to cope with things. So, likewise, I wish that everyone of you finds love in your lives. And don´t ever be afraid of loving someone. Rejecting your own feelings will only make you suffer, it doens´t really protects you. To love someone is never pointless ^__^. Until the day we finally find someone who can love us back, always do your best, guys! All the best to you all!
Marco
Ai Marco,
Que estoria! Eu espero que um dia tu encontrar o amor mais grande da tua vida.
Beijinhos
Patrício
Ai Marco,
Que estoria! Eu espero que um dia que tu encontrar o amor mais grande da tua vida.
Beijinhos
Patrício
First of all, congratulations on your english. Second, I loved what you wrote and felt every word you wrote, even though it’s understandable that you only have 31 years old. When you get to my age (40) you’ll realize that love is a vague word. When I was your age I was looking for love too. But I was waiting for the right person and, you know what? What challenge would the Universe bring you if you found your perfect love and lived happily ever after? Life presents us challenges, and life is full of emotion, so…I learned that I should LOVE myself first, if you can do that, you should be happy. Don’t lean on others to feel loved. Stop doing that. Love yourself.
Abraços, Jose
Dear José,
First of all I thank you for your feedback, it´s most appreciated.
I´m not sure it is a matter of age, our perspective on love and relationships. I believe each and every person feels it differently and has naturally different kinds of expectations and even when there is a change of heart it will probably be different from the next person´s. Don´t get me wrong, intellectually speaking, I get the idea, the one should try to love oneself first, but in my heart that answer is not enough. Talking about myself personally, even if I could love myself completly and all the time, it still wouldn´t mean much without the love of somebody else. I´m not god-like, and I can´t feel complete and satisfied in myself. I can also understand what you mean with “What challenge would the Universe bring you if you found your perfect love and lived happily ever after?”, but when I think about it… Well, The universe woudn´t collapse, in consequence of all of us finding someone who loves us. After all we would still have disease, old age, stress, money, career and familly issues. We would still be challenged enough I believe. The difference would be, we would have someone on our side to share hardships and happiness with. Of course I still hope one day I find some freak who can the freak I am, but now I feel that loving someone is more important and precious than being loved. After all, usually the heartless and selfish people are lovesd the most by others. What´s so hot about them, uh?