I’m a 31-year-old guy with a story to tell. It’s not a funny story, it’s not an exciting story, but if at least one person can relate to it and find something positive in it, I’ll be glad.
Ever since adolescence I’ve always fantasized about this cool, funny, good guy that I would fall in love with and spend the rest of my life with. Of course life is never as we expect it to be and I jumped from abusive relationship, to meaningless relationship, to loveless relationship. I was in this horrible place where I was hating all men, as cold, heartless beings, or hating myself as someone who isn’t good enough for anyone to fall in love with. I lost my appetite, my sleep, I gave up on studying, making friends or spending time with my family. I felt so empty and sad, that everything else besides my eternal search for love seemed pointless. In this process, I became a mediocre student, and then made a mediocre life, I lost most of my friends and drifted more and more away from reality. I didn’t grow up and I didn’t become an adult. I’m not saying this is what always happens when someone’s heart is broken again and again, but this is the impact that had in my life.
About 4 years ago, I met a guy. An older, successful, handsome and charming guy. Even though I knew that such a person was way out of my league, I couldn’t help but to fall in love with him. We actually became lovers. One day I asked him what his feelings were towards me (pathetic, I know), and he very bluntly answered, “I’m not in love, if that’s what you want to know.” Well, it wasn’t a new experience for me but it hurt like hell even so. I decided to get away from him before I grew anymore attached. Time passed by and even though I met a few other guys, my mind was always on him. There wasn’t a single day that his face or name didn’t pop up in my mind. I just missed him terribly. So last year, I decided to look up for him once more. And as we returned to that familiar lovers-not-boyfriends situation, I realized something that eased my heart a little. It’s hard enough to say goodbye to love ones. I won’t leave this time, unless he tells me to. Love shouldn’t be perceived as some sort of currency, and my love should not be thrown away, unused just because I’m not loved back. I thought that the world is divided between the loved ones and the ones that only love. Not having the love of somebody didn’t tell me I was an unworthy person anymore. It actually is more valuable to be a person who is capable of loving. And that’s who I am. So I love him with no bounds, no expectations, and even though he doesn’t feel the same way, he lets me do my thing. Sometimes, in a tender kiss or hug of his or in a passionate moment in bed I even find happiness. I know that a lot of you will find me pathetic, or that I shouldn’t let myself be exploited this way but for some of us there’s only two options: to give our hearts or to keep all the love we have to ourselves and grow bitter and dead inside. I am someone who came into this world to love, and so it shall be. If anyone out there thinks that it’s not worth it, that your hearts were drained completely, just consider for a second, that you are an endless source of love, and that being able to give yourselves doesn’t me you’re weak. It makes you beautiful and precious.