I never believed in love. I never wanted to get married. I always told myself and came to accept that I was going to fall in love and marry my work and career; I was going to find happiness there because I could never face who I was on the inside. I turned to alcohol and sometimes drugs to blackout and force myself to seem happy and “normal” to my friends—but really I probably looked like a mess.
I was a D1 baseball player and in a fraternity. Needless to say I was terrified of the possibility that I was gay so I just locked that part of me away and did my best to ignore it. What I found was endless anxiety and nervousness about everything—even if it had nothing to do with my sexuality. It was like I was afraid of actually living my life.
I graduated and moved to Boston with 4 of my college friends—3 girls and my best friend Lee who was also one of my fraternity brothers.
Then I met Dan one night at a bar. I found myself instantly drawn to him—very attractive and so confident. He is two years older and had already come out to his friends and family. Like I said, I didn’t want a boyfriend or any type of commitment, especially where I was in the closet and he was already this “established” man. But I couldn’t stay away—this kid is amazing. He introduced me to his friends, his sister, and so many parts of his life.
I wasn’t looking for love and more importantly, I didn’t think I wanted it—but I fell and I fell hard. I came out to my roommates one by one absolutely terrified of what was going to be the outcome. But what kept me going was Dan. I have never been more scared in my life. Once you come out, you can’t just tell your friends you were drunk and you can’t just take it back. It’s permanent. But I couldn’t and still can’t be without him. He is the best thing that has ever come into my life and I will never be able to repay him for what he has done to and for me.
I can’t put into words how I feel about him. Music speaks louder than anything else for me and certain songs immediately remind me of this kid. There is not a doubt in my mind that I will marry this man. I have never felt like this about anyone.
And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you’re patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me
Dan saved my life in every way possible.