I was about 5’5”, fifteen years old and I wore my heart on my sleeve.

It was about October time, so the leaves were all on the ground and it was dry and cold. We, my friends and I, thought it would be a good idea to stay in the village and make a bonfire, so we did; it was about three feet high and stood next to a small pond in this field behind Olivia’s house. But, by the time we’d made it, it was time to go home. So my friends and I went back to our houses in the village, and Liam stayed with me.

He was a nice guy, Liam. A bit odd at times, liked nerdy things like comics, and he was dating one of my friends, who was gorgeous. Everyone said how beautiful she was, I guess that’s why we were friends, joking, but anyway, she and Liam were dating. I’d never had a male friend before, so I wasn’t sure what guys did when they hung out together. I kinda just rolled with the punches, played World of Warcraft, ate something, sat in my bedroom and chatted.

I can’t remember if it was awkward or not, it just felt natural hanging out, talking, and stuff. By the time it got to about seven or eight o’clock Sally and Olivia had arranged to meet us back at the bonfire. Liam and I took some newspaper and headed off.

He had really, I don’t know, piercing eyes? They were always looking into me. We lit our bonfire, Sally, Olivia, Liam and I sat around. As fifteen-year-olds do, we decided to play truth or dare. So, we took our clothes off, and stuff, we went in the pond, we told things we shouldn’t have. Then, out of the blue, Livi and Sally suggested Liam and I kiss. I protested, I went as far as to say it was time to go home. Yet, oddly, he was up for it. One hundred percent and more.

I’d never kissed anyone before, this was going to be my first kiss, and it was going to be over a game of truth or dare, with someone of the same sex. He got closer, and closer, he shut his eyes, puckered his lips, then I stepped back. I couldn’t kiss my friend’s boyfriend! How do I even know I’m gay? Am I gay? (You know, the usual kind of questions.)

Round two, he leaned in, I leaned back, and then he kissed me. Damn. I didn’t kiss back and I was embarrassed, I kind of just sucked on his top lip or something, I don’t know. It was hilarious though, he was all smiley and like, looky, you know with his eyes. I was kind of like “Wahh.” And well that was that.

We walked home, after trying to convince Livi and Liam to kiss. She wouldn’t do it. He was up for it. To be honest I think he was a bit easy? Or frustrated? Maybe he just liked to kiss. He told me I was really bad, which made me feel like shit to be honest. My first kiss and it was crap. Oh well.

He stayed over that night, nothing happened. We talked, and it wasn’t awkward. It was just a kiss, I mean come on? It didn’t mean I was gay did it? Well, actually it did. It’s three years since that happened, and I’ve come out, I live in the South of France, and I’m happy; lonely, but happy. Yet it wouldn’t have been without that kiss. That irrelevant, uncomfortable, guilt-filled, truth-or-dare kiss.