Gay. I’ve considered this word throughout my life, trying to find the place for it and the meaning of it, to me.
Growing up in San Francisco, where the Gay Parade was as synonymous to me as a child as the Columbus Day parade. The stigma associated with being gay never transpired in my field of vision. Where I come from, gays are proud and fueled by their authority and freedom to express themselves. They can lie together outside on the grass or the beach and celebrate their life choice. Knowing that choosing who they love will never be compromised; Man, woman and transgender alike.
What I experienced in those early years is that love is universal. Same-sex love is not a demonic deviation of heterosexual love. Love is love. It comes from the young and old, rich and poor, Chinese and black… it comes from our hearts. Who we give it to is our choice.
So I carried this brilliant piece of knowledge with me on my journey through life. I applied it to every interaction I ever had, like when a friend of mine told me she was gay, but in the closet. I dragged her to every gay bar, party and event I could find. I wanted her to know, as I did, that she could love whoever the hell she wanted. I surely had.
Yet, throughout that coming out of the closet for my friend, I began to wonder what my own true intentions really were. What about the impulses I never had the guts to act on? I have always been attracted to and admired women. Yet, as a woman, I have always masked my attraction, as merely a keen observer who appreciates beauty. If I were true to myself, if I were completely honest, I would say that I long for nothing more than to lie with a woman and stroke her hair and kiss her neck.
I know inside, from the bottom of my heart, that I could love a woman more deeply and passionately than I could a man. My friend is successfully dating now. She is scheduled to have sex this weekend with a girl she met on the internet. Although I am in a relationship, engaged to be married, I don`t know what part of me wouldn’t give it all up for one moment like the one she will have.
I am afraid to admit this to myself, let alone to anyone else.
Gay has been redefined for me, over and over again. I know we are free to love who we choose. But I also know that when we choose it we are not free. I will pretend to have crushes on girls to incite illicit reactions in males but I will never tell them that I would choose her over them a thousand times over.
I will never call myself gay.
I felt much the same way…. until I met a girl I could not resist no matter how much I tried. I had spent years knowing that being gay was totally 100% fine…. for other people, just not me. But it all changed, and I may not be free, but I am more happy now fully honest with myself and the people around me than I ever was before. I hope you find whatever it is that will make you most happy.
How sad that you can’t grant yourself the same freedoms you grant others…and how tragic and unfair (to him), that you will marry a man you don’t really love like you should love a person you marry.
Please don’t marry him. For his sake and for yours. It’ll just result in years of unhappiness followed by a divorce. Or there will be no divorce, and you’ll just spend the rest of your life miserably wondering “what if.” Life is too short to not live any of it.
“I know we are free to love who we choose. But I also know that when we choose it we are not free.”
You’re so afraid of not being free that you enslave yourself. When you give up the pretense, when you live the way you want to live in your soul, then you’ll be free. Take it from me: I’m probably the most cautious, over-thinking, self-doubting person on the planet. I know you’re afraid that if you come out, everyone will hate you, see you differently, forget your real personality and replace it with a stereotype. I had all these fears too. But when I came out, I discovered that nobody else could treat me as horribly as I’d been treating myself when I was in the closet. No one can hurt you like you.
I agree with Sam.
You deserve to live the life that truly makes you feel whole. To deny yourself that is an injustice to yourself, as well as everyone you involve in it.
Either way, I wish you all the best. I know it’s hard coming to terms with this.
Just another friendly voice (letter) whispering (text-ing) I understand, and you are not alone.
I know it can be done ~ coming out and being proud – I have lived with my lesbian partner for over five yeas now and I am a very strong lady – but I still pick and choose when and how I express it to others and more often than not I opt for my closet.
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This makes me so sad. I will never understand intolerance. Everyone has a right to be happy to their full capacity. I hope one day you will allow yourself to have that!