I am a bisexual woman married to a man. Decidedly the easiest thing to be in the LGBT spectrum, and yet, I am more confused about how to (and even if I should) come out.
My husband is fully aware and has been since we were sophomores in college and just friends. My brother knows, and I think my parents always suspected. But really. I’m 36 and a mother of two. Does anyone even care?
I usually identify myself as a straight ally when it comes to Pride events and the like. My reasoning is that I really haven’t experienced what others have. I never encountered bigotry personally, and my family could blend in with a Mormon congregation as easily as we do in our Open and Affirming UCC congregation.
Do I even have the right to wear the label “bisexual” anymore?
I continue my participation in the work for gay rights, mostly for the sake of others, and for the sake of justice. But who knows what is in store for me? My husband is my best friend and the love of my life, but if (God forbid) he meets with an untimely death, I may find myself alone. Then I may find love again. And it may be with a woman.
Of course, I am afraid as well. Will my voice of advocacy carry as much weight to the public if I am “one of them?” Will members of the LGBT community roll their eyes at me and write me off as a college lesbian? Will my job as a daycare teacher be threatened? Will my kids be confused?
I’m not sure there is an answer. Right now I feel like I’m in the closet, but the door is open, and I’m peeking out. That’s where I need to be right now.
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I'm From Miami Beach, FL. It’s years later now, and this bisexual is in a relationship with a man. We’ll probably get married soon. I never told my parents, though i have told all my friends. Sometimes it seems like the most important thing about me, and my pulse races as I mention my high school girlfriend casually to a coworker. Sometimes I wonder if it was all a fever dream. Sometimes i think back on that 17-year-old kid and marvel at her bravery. Sometimes I think I am still being a coward.
I'm From Mercer, WI. Sure I had pictures of guys up too. Christian Slater, the Preferred Stock guy, cute late ‘80s skate and surf guys. This was before the Internet, so I had no way of finding out that bisexuality existed, or that it was normal. I clearly had the same feelings for girls as I did for guys. I wondered if I was a freak, or broken in some way. Going to college opened my eyes. What a relief to meet others like me. To have my first boyfriend and my first girlfriend. What a relief to not have to rationalize anymore. I’m not broken or a freak. And if you’re reading this, and you can relate, don’t worry, you aren’t either.
I'm From Lombard, IL. This is when I found out I wasn’t a lesbian. I fell in love with Jason and we dated for almost a year. We did a lot together, including coming out to our families. They didn’t understand. Jason was very important to me, but both of us had to move on. After him, I dated a lot of people and had a lot of one night stands. I still don’t know if I’ll end up with a man or a woman, but I thank God every day that I live in a country where I am free to make that decision.
“Do I even have the right to wear the label “bisexual” anymore?”
I just recently decided that yes, I do have the right to wear the label. I am slowly coming out to my friends and family alike. Just recently started chronicling my own trials and tribulations in my blog. Bisexuals like us exist but it seems the world doesn’t know it because it is so easy for everyone to assume we are something we are not. Just posted about that actually. Maybe it can help you too.
http://lifebime.blogspot.com/2010/05/anyone-ever-use-not-gay-loophole.html
Hope all goes well if you decide to come out! I’m still working on it here too.
Have a great one,
M.M.
You have the right to wear any label that you want. And as an “practicing” straight person, advocating LGBT rights, you are one of our best assets in the fight for equality. And you have the opportunity to teach your own children acceptance as well as those in your daycare.
I don’t necessarily agree that bisexual is the easiest thing to be on the LGBT spectrum. Yes, if we are involved with an opposite-sex partner, we get to “pass” in the straight community but passing certainly isn’t the same as being accepted for who we are. Also, a lot of people in both the heterosexual and homosexual communities can be painfully dismissive of our orientation as “confused” or “greedy” or somehow less valid than their own. It’s a very tough position to be in, not quite fitting into either community.
And you know, your internal experience defines your sexuality, not your actions. Just as a person can be heterosexual or homosexual without having actually having had sex with anyone, a person can be bisexual without having sex with both men and women. It’s YOUR identity to wear as you choose, and no one else can tell you that you are wrong.
I remember how painful being in the closet was. It was painful because I felt the disconnect between who I was and who others thought I was – in short, because I was “passing.” It was also painful because I couldn’t reach out to the gay community and find support there. Those are the same problems you have. So you shouldn’t feel like you don’t have the right to lay claim to your bisexuality because you haven’t suffered enough.
Also, being married to a man doesn’t make you 100% straight any more than being married to a woman would make you 100% lesbian. That’s like saying I’m not really gay if I am not currently, right at this very moment, having sex with a guy.
No matter who you’re with, or if you’re single, you’re still who you are and you still feel what you feel.