Leviticus 18:22: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, that is detestable.” 4 years ago for Sabbath School I had to know that verse along with a handful of others dealing with sexual immoralities. I tried so hard to wake up late and get ready slowly every Saturday morning to avoid hearing any more about how gays were sinners and any type or sex besides vaginal sex between a man and a woman was considered a sin. After a month the dreadful series was finally over, and I began breaking apart from the church spiritually very quickly. At the time, I had just found out I was gay (or just found out there was a name for what I was, and that it was misused and looked down upon constantly) and I had very few people to talk to about my feelings.
That was 4 years ago. One year later, I moved out of state after the first semester of my freshman year of high school, and decided to “come out” to people by kindly telling them I was gay if they ever asked about girlfriends, or if I liked any girl in the room. It worked rather well for me, I began making friends (basically female friends) and one guy friend that would someday end up being my first boyfriend. Any straight guys I talked to, I just didn’t mention to them that I was gay.
Because of the different curriculum I had to take PE at this school, and oh dear gosh I have to say that the locker room was extremely torturing and unnatural for me. I was in a room filled with 50 guys, many of them who were wearing nothing but boxers for what seemed like a painfully extended amount of time, and there were all these homophobic jokes flying around. Although a lot of them had nice bodies I wouldn’t dare look at them longer than one second as I was casually walking by.
I switched schools again at the end of the second semester but stayed in the district, and that summer, the weekend before I started my sophomore year, I went to the movies with two of my friends, one of them being the gay guy I met the first day I arrived at the new school from out of state, and after several make-out sessions in the back of the almost empty theatre, I asked him out, he said yes, and I was the happiest guy alive.
I stuck to my coming out routine from the previous school, and I saw a lot of repeated elements. I made friends quickly who I was openly gay with (all girls again) and went out on dates with my boyfriend almost every weekend, which seemed quite often for me. However 5 months after getting together, roughly a week or two after New Year’s, he broke up with me, for reasons at the time, I didn’t fully understand. After an unsuccessful mission at trying to get with his bi-curious older cousin in an attempt to get back at him for breaking up with me, we sort of stopped talking as much and unless we tried dating again (I can’t remember if we did), I stayed single until January of the next year.
January of the next year, (January 2009) I got with another guy who I met through a good friend. Three weeks later I broke up with him so I could go have sex with another guy and not feel like I was “cheating”. That was probably one of the top five stupidest decisions I’ve made. Not only was the sex horrible, but I lost a possible friendship with my ex-boyfriend. And after trying to get with his ex as well, I realized that I had always looked at myself as a teenager with higher-than-average mental maturity level and what I was doing was NOT a reflection of who I saw myself as.
What I also see myself as is an individual with enough mental capacity to exercise free will and make decisions that will not harm myself or anyone else. And when I really think about it, nobody is getting hurt by me choosing to be gay. Wait scratch that, I never “chose” to be gay, but I am happy the way I am. Sure I could “choose” to try being straight and forgetting about guys, but I “choose” not to. Currently I am still going to church because my parents don’t know about me being gay, and I will tell them someday, when I think it’s the right time. If it were up to me, I’d stay away from any church that emitted even the slightest electromagnetic wave of homophobia. Maybe I’ll burn in hell for having relations with another man. Although I find that highly unlikely, I’d much rather die eternally than spend all of eternity being someone I’m not.
Anywho, I don’t mean to slip into “angry advocate” mode so…
My first boyfriend and I are very good friends as far as I know, I just got back from hanging out with my good friend who introduced me to my second boyfriend. I came out to my mom’s fiancé (my parents have been divorced for a year and a half) and he took it very well, promised to keep it a secret and support me in any way he could. I’ll be starting my senior year of high school in one week and if all goes well I’ll graduate in May. I plan to study Media production but I’ll more than likely pursue my passion for acting and modeling.
For all you dear and beloved gays, lesbians, bisexuals and other members of this community, whether you’re in the closet or not, be proud of who you are. Take your time coming out, don’t rush it, but when you do, don’t be afraid if you’re not what the “S word” (Society) wants you to be. It’s all about who you see yourself as, not what others see about you. Shine as bright as you can, because without us, millions of girls would be without best friends!