My sixth grade Hebrew class was the first place in Jacksonville that I’d have my first head-on experience with homophobia. My older classmate Sara was thoughtful enough to inform me that I was a “Gay Boy”. She must have taken great stock in my personal life because she made sure it was known to everyone else in the small class of eight sixth and seventh graders. With great conviction Sara continued to refer to me as “Gay Boy” for the rest of that school year. Being that my name was Josh and not “Gay Boy”, I continually rejected this nickname that was technically an apt titling, though not necessarily actualized at this point.
Puberty had set in that previous summer and enhanced the prominence of my non-alpha male traits. This combined with my athletic ineptitude and poor male bonding abilities projected “gay” to my peers and classmates. Go figure.
I started my seventh grade year at a gifted middle school across town after my Jewish day school discontinued their middle school program. My new classmates must have been as equally observant as Sara (who also transferred to this public school) because they quickly offered up musings on my behavior as well as jokes on my behalf at every possible opportunity. Needless to say I didn’t have very many friends, sans for my best friend who is now coincidentally an activist lesbian. I grew quite callous over the next two years from the constant barrage of verbal and sometimes physical abuse that came my way.
I never told my parents about what went on at school. I was too proud, too ambivalent and ultimately too ashamed. It took me almost ten years to fully recover from the shame I had from these two formative years of my early life. Things improved in high school and I stumbled upon my own sexuality in my senior year. Only after many Madonna songs, Village Inn pie slices, nights of aimless driving and coffeehouse visits later had I come to a certain place of comfort with who I was.
When I visit home I still sometimes run into Sara around town. Our conversation is amicable and benevolent though I wonder if she feels any regret. The ill-will I once had for her is gone, though I’d be happy if I bumped into her wearing my deep v-neck tee shirt and mid-thigh shorts. The difference ten years makes is that now I would proudly own the moniker of “Gay Boy” – or at least “Gay Man”.
This story is very relevant with all the bullying and suicides that have been going on recently. As you get older, you look back and it seems like such a distance time. But this kind of thing is still going on strong today. I hope a lot of people read this story. Thanks for sharing, Josh.
Now looking back do you think you should have told your parents or, if not your parents, some other adult?
I always got a lot of this growing up. The rest of the world knew I was gay before I did, a sad fact that made a lot of situations awkward. When I was little I asked my grandmother – who was babysitting me – if she would paint my fingernails so that they would be pretty. My family was very indulgent, but also very protective. She agreed to paint my toenails instead, on the assumption that nobody would see them and that life could go on interrupted – with me just a little bit happier. Of course, I ran down to the playground and took my shoes off to show all the kids my pretty toenails. >_<
I remember the panic I felt when someone called me “gay.” Random people did also – not just kids I knew from school. People in other schools, other grades, random people on the street. They would stop me and either ask if I was gay, or simply call me gay. In middle school, I first realized that I might be gay, and I told my best friend. He didn’t react well. And so “I was just kidding” became my mantra, and I learned to keep it under wraps and ignore it…until it just couldn’t be ignored any more.
Bullying sucks. Like you, I disengaged. I just separated from that whole little society of trolls. And in some respects, I don’t regret it. But in a lot of ways, I feel like I missed out on a lot of the formative experiences of adolescence. And by virtue of missing out on those, I’ve had to do a lot of growing up as an adult that I wish I had a chance to do when I was actually growing up.
Absolutely. I hope the “panic” that kids feel now is diminished a bit by presence of GLBTQ people in the media…more so than when we were kids.
My mom found out afterwards…I definitely should have told her when it was going on. My teachers and schools failed to protect from bullying which is unacceptable.
A number of schools and some states are passing anti-bullying laws. I testified at an AISD hearing about what I and my brother went through. (Cheered by the many gay youth there and jeered by the religious group when I quoted Thurgood Marshall). AISD passed the ordinance and maybe things are a little better for students in Austin. I hope some day every State will pass such laws.
I’m not gay… kind of stumbled onto this blog. No matter what one’s sexual orientation, political or religious affiliation, there is just no excuse for the meanness of some people.
i think more people need to just chill and not give a good god damn about what people like…I am proud to say i am gay…well all of my classmates this past year only being a freshman in high school…they werent too proud…but i feel the need to share this story…if people just accept it as another factor in life personally i dont identify to being gay…that is just a part of me i identify myself as MASON not gay mason or fag just MASON… but my best friend sarah recently came out to her parents…we both told our parents on the same night for support… she told her parents and they told her no and said she was a freak and the devils work… needless to say she cired hysterically all night…and i told her it would be fine and dont worry everyone still loves you your amazing…she told me goodbye not goodnight i didnt think twice…i got to school the next day march 2, 2009 i looked for her i didnt see her so i went on her facebook…..everything was gone all that was left was a picture of us laughing together at the zoo.. her status was SARAH: dont worry about me…..i broke down she O.D. on her pills for tachycardie( fast heart rate) she stopped her heart…and at her funeral her parents said….she didnt kill herself…IT WAS DESTINY….god WILL DAMN ALL HOMOSEXUALS i stood up and told them guess what i am gay i am proud and I AM NOT GONE…SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU ONE CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH BEFORE THEY BREAK DOWN…and after all what do we have to live for if we dont have the love of the people that matter….. I WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU
I WILL NEVER FORGET
WE WILL NEVER FORGET
SARAH G. march 2, 2009
I can identify with the VI trips and aimless drives, I’m still doing that myself. Thanks for posting.
Sorry to hear about your friend, Mason. Good for you standing up and telling her parents off.