My story isn’t one where I faced friends or family over my sexual orientation. It isn’t about discrimination or gay bashing. It’s about something far scarier and insidious. It’s about self-loathing and the repercussions that come from it. But it’s also about triumph.
I was raised in Herndon, Virginia, a suburb of Washington D.C. It’s a pretty liberal area, but I was raised in extremely conservative circles within Catholic Schools. I went there from kindergarten to the end of high school. There, young Catholics were told that homosexuality was sinful on the level of murder. Homosexuals were perverts who had higher rates of pedophilia and who spread disease. “Faggot” was the word of choice by young men to destroy the masculinity of other young men.
When you are thirteen in this environment, and homosexual tendencies begin to manifest themselves, it is a terrifying feeling that washes over you. I fought these feelings with vigor from the age of 13 to 20, when I was a sophomore in college. But they never went away, despite crying myself to sleep while praying to God to make me straight, many times right after looking at gay porn on my computer. The shame and guilt were overwhelming. I even thought that my father’s diagnosis and death from cancer was God’s punishment on me!
When I was 20, I realized that I’d never change, and I really began to hate myself. I started to plan my suicide. I never attempted it, but I remember deciding on pills and deciding to write a note that said, “I’d rather be dead than a Faggot.”
To be honest with you, I don’t know what happened one night in February of 2006. I think I had what alcoholics call a “moment of clarity.” I just realized that in my attempt to be the good Christian boy I was raised to be, that I had become completely socially isolated, was wracked with guilt and shame, and was now planning my own suicide. I wasn’t worth it, I thought. I said to myself right then and there that I would come out and live as a gay man, and if that didn’t work, then I could kill myself. Then I looked in a mirror, and for the first time said, “I am Gay,” and cried for hours, alone, in my dorm room. But the next morning, for the first time in my life, I woke up calm and at peace.
Things are a lot different now for me. At 23 years old, I’m in grad school and wrote a major paper on Gay and Lesbian history. I’m on a gay crew team in D.C., and will compete in the OutGames in Copenhagen this July. And I’m out, have a family and circle of friends that completely support me, all while being in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 18 months. It wasn’t without lots of pain, personal sacrifice, loneliness, and rejection by former friends, especially in the Christian circles I used to run in and from my first few relationships, but I made it. I had to go to therapy and face a lot of demons, but I’m no longer filled with shame and I don’t hate myself anymore.
If you are filled with shame and don’t like yourself because you are gay, I want you to know that I like you, and that living life openly gay will be far better than your life is now. It’s hard, but you need to know that shame and guilt must not be associated with your sexuality. You are beautiful and you deserve to love and be loved for who you are, not who others want you to be. Love yourself.
Brilliant. I remember the moment I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I had been out for a while, which is the funniest part.
I was driving by the ocean in my hometown, all alone, at night. I often went driving alone at night when I needed to clear my head. And there, out in the middle of nowhere with no street lights and no prying eyes, I said it out loud, to myself: “I’m gay.”
It wasn’t the first time I had said it. But it was the first time I said it to myself. And it felt amazing.
I think so many people can relate to this story. Acting upon and thinking gay thoughts all while trying so hard to change them. The only way to win is acceptance.
Congrats on your new circle of real friends and good luck at the OutGames!
It is sad that things have changed so much for gay people yet in many ways has stayed the same. I was out for years when a young man I really didn’t know committed suicide and I realized that he would never had committed suicide if he had realized there were tons (I repeat tons) of people around him that would have accepted him just as he is. That day I could stay silent no longer and now people in my everyday life know that I am gay. The irony is that my “no longer silent” stance was my attempt to prevent what happened to this young man from happening to other young gay people -but- the one I helped the most was myself because being “no longer silent” liberated me.
When looking back at my second long-term relationship, the most satisfying aspect is that I feel that I helped him come to accept himself as gay.
Learning to love ourselves as we are is a huge lesson. Religions are man-made organizations and for most of them, the goal is to control the lives of their followers. What better way than to say that you will be condemned to someplace that you can’t prove doesn’t exist. Religions pick and choose which parts of the Bible to believe and enforce. I certainly haven’t heard any of the right-wing Christians ranting about the sin of eating pork lately or saying that we should stone adulters. Choose for yourself. We are each made in the image of God. GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES.
What a sad and hopeful and depressing and happy story. I hate hearing about people who have spent so much of their youth in such a bad state of mind. I hate that another person’s or group’s ignorance about homosexuality can have such an incredibly destructive impact – that it rubs off on gay people and transforms into powerful self-loathing. And I especially hate that they can see this happening and still remain indifferent to it, still believe that the helpless gay teen is the one sinning in this situation when often he’s the only one who hasn’t done anything wrong.
But going from that self-loathing to where you are today, and being surrounded by supportive friends and family to boot – that’s so, so much better than it used to be. And it seems like that self-loathing period is getting shorter with time as people get a better understanding of what being gay really is.
I’m glad you’re all right.
Thanks for writing this. Maybe there’s a version of you from five years ago who’s reading this and realizing he’ll be all right too.
I’m certain that someone will read this story and follow in your footsteps. Life over Suicide, Hope over Despair, Acceptance over Guilt. Thanks for sharing and good luck in Copenhagen!
Your story reminds me so much of my own, Michael. I guess I’m a few years further down the road than you, and I can tell you I’ve never regretted that moment of clarity.
This is a powerful testimonial and timely, in this current time of struggle for Gay equality in the US.
From a writer and editor’s perspective, it is well written with a deep sincerity I appreciated.
Thank you Michael!
Thank you for sharing and although I don’t know you, I am proud of you. I’m so proud of amazing, strong young gays who are able to overcome the astounding pressures of external and internal loathing. Good luck rowing.
I also remember crying myself to sleep, praying to God to make me straight, fasting to cleanse the evil in me, and deciding the world would be a better place if I were not in it.
I am so grateful I never followed through on the dark death that followed me around for so many years.
I am so glad you stopped hating yourself and found the joy of acceptance. I am also grateful you are sharing your story.
I too have been a self loathing and closeted gay man. I recently came out to my wife of 26 years, and also to the rest of my family. It is a relief to be able to say to myself and others, “I AM a gay man”. I know it will take a lot more time, but I feel that I am now recovering from a long and debilitating illness. Of course, I also feel that this illness was thrust upon me by society’s disapproval.
I know I will get better. I know this because I am getting a little better every day.
Thank you, Michael for writing this story. It describes my situation very well, and it’s wonderful to know that I am not alone, and that there is always hope.
Thank you.
Michael:
You saved yourself the extra 28 years that it took me to come out. But then again, I was born in a place and era that are even more removed from rhis blossoming time of acceptance.
Might I add something that you will most likely agree with. When most of us come out, we find that we so love ourselves. God made us this way and we are allowed to love ourselves just His way…unconditionally. After all the self-loathing, to find love of one’s own self is such a wonderfully liberating, intoxicating feeling.
It is so cool that you found your way home to love yourself. To all the others who have yet to take that step, allow me to say that it really, really does get better and soooo worth the effort.
Cheers,
Rick