I had an idyllic childhood with best friends in the identically-styled houses in front of and behind me. Summers were spent at Myrtle Beach and my family was always the chaperone for friends of my sister and me. Though we were nowhere near rich we could not have been happier.
My mom left my father in 1985 when I was 10 and moved us to Columbia, SC, and finally to Charlotte, NC. My formative years took place in those two cities. It was there I realized that I was different. My friends became so important to me, especially the male friends. There was some teasing, but because of a friendly disposition and hyper athleticism I was able to skirt the horrible names of some of my classmates.
I fell in love at age 16 with my best friend who I played soccer with. He was gorgeous with big green eyes and beautiful skin. The relationship did go far but I was never able to say I love you. Those words were the most pervasive messages in my head. And because I knew he was straight, those words never could be said out loud. I knew I was gay once I had fallen in love with him. Coming out followed shortly thereafter but unrequited love leaves holes that coming out cannot fill.
Being in love is what determined my sexuality. I never understood why I was called homosexual when that term felt so limiting after falling in love. How about homosensual?
“Homosensual.” I love that so much. I’m not just gay because I like having sex with men. I’m gay because I want to fall in love with another man. Unfortunately, I think that freaks some people out as well.
I have a theory about male sexuality. My theory is that it’s near impossible for a man to repress who he is physically attracted to but the same is not true for romantic feelings. I based that on my own experience and that of other gay men that I have known that believed for years that men were for sex but women were for love only to “discover” later in life that being gay is not just about sex but about love and intimacy, too. My thinking is that I and those men were always capable of same sex intimacy but only after we got comfortable enough with our sexuality did those romantic feelings begin to surface. My point is that you are young and already at that comfort level and that is really cool.
My Mom is from Florence and I was born in Charleston, SC. Maybe it’s in the water.
The discovery that being gay was not about sex (sex is the byproduct of attraction) was the final puzzle piece that allowed me to embrace and accept myself for who I was.
Florence used to be a great place. It still is.
That was beautiful Corey. and you know what? I love you just the way you are. Corey’s Mom
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