NOTE: This story is more of a letter, but it deals with the core purpose of this site: to help gay youth feel not so alone. Many of you have left thoughtful, encouraging and heart-warming comments on many of the stories and I think that’s just what this young girl needs to hear, so I turn it over to all of you…
I am 18 years old. I am alone.
It was probably about 4 years ago that I first liked a girl. First really liked anyone, actually. Okay, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago.
I have feelings for girls that aren’t normal friendly feelings, I think. Like…girls will always be like…oh, I love her. But it’s just that they’re really good friends. I ACTUALLY LOVE girls. I think. Well, the feelings can’t be described any other way. It’s a “more than a friend” feeling.
I have never told ANYBODY about any of these feelings. Ever.
I grew up in a Christian family, where it was believed that being gay was forbidden in the Bible. How could I ever tell anyone in my family, knowing that they would either A) get really mad at me or B) try to convince me that I was simply confused and I wasn’t really in love. But I know I’m in love.
I’ve never told any of my guy friends. Because we’ve all heard how guys talk about lesbians. “Lesbians are always so butch.” “Lesbians are okay on TV and movies, because they’re always hot actresses. But in real life…”
I’ve never told any of my girl friends because that would completely change the dynamic of our friendship. And even if I have no feelings whatsoever for a girl, won’t they still be cautious around me? I’ll never be able to have the close friendships I have now.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve even convinced myself. Always…in the back of my head…there’s the thought that MAYBE, just maybe…I really am confused. I try to like men. But it’s never the same. I’m always thinking about that one girl…
The sentence at the beginning…”It was probably about 4 years ago that I first liked a girl.” It took me about 10 minutes to write that. Because my fingers just wouldn’t type it.
I’m so scared of anyone knowing…that I made a fake email so that I could submit this story. Even though I was promised that my email wouldn’t be shown or used. I’m not really from Anderson. I’m really from a small town where someone might be reading this and guess who I am. It probably wouldn’t happen, but hey…what if it did?
I’m a very good pretender. I’m very good at picking certain people to pretend to have a crush on. And all my friends believe me! All my friends believe me when I post pictures of hot guys on my walls. It gets a little tricky when people start wondering why I haven’t had a boyfriend yet. But I don’t want a boyfriend, even if it would help the facade. It would be extremely unfair to him…and I would never be passionate about it.
I’m in love with this girl right now. And I know she’s straight. But I can’t stop feeling the way I do. And she’s my best friend. And that friendship hangs on a thread, considering my situation. And she likes this guy. And I give her advice…I give her boy advice. I try to help her get this guy. And it kills me. I go into the deepest depression every time. There’s no way I could tell her. Ever. That’s an impossibility.
So…I guess I wrote this for three reasons.
1) My emotions are so bottled up, I needed to tell someone. Why not tell people I don’t know?
2) To help convince myself…that I’m…
3) To ask you for advice…on…my whole situation…what do I do? Where do I go from here? Will I be living a secret forever?