NOTE: This story is more of a letter, but it deals with the core purpose of this site: to help gay youth feel not so alone. Many of you have left thoughtful, encouraging and heart-warming comments on many of the stories and I think that’s just what this young girl needs to hear, so I turn it over to all of you…
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I am 18 years old. I am alone.
It was probably about 4 years ago that I first liked a girl. First really liked anyone, actually. Okay, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago.
I have feelings for girls that aren’t normal friendly feelings, I think. Like…girls will always be like…oh, I love her. But it’s just that they’re really good friends. I ACTUALLY LOVE girls. I think. Well, the feelings can’t be described any other way. It’s a “more than a friend” feeling.
I have never told ANYBODY about any of these feelings. Ever.
I grew up in a Christian family, where it was believed that being gay was forbidden in the Bible. How could I ever tell anyone in my family, knowing that they would either A) get really mad at me or B) try to convince me that I was simply confused and I wasn’t really in love. But I know I’m in love.
I’ve never told any of my guy friends. Because we’ve all heard how guys talk about lesbians. “Lesbians are always so butch.” “Lesbians are okay on TV and movies, because they’re always hot actresses. But in real life…”
I’ve never told any of my girl friends because that would completely change the dynamic of our friendship. And even if I have no feelings whatsoever for a girl, won’t they still be cautious around me? I’ll never be able to have the close friendships I have now.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve even convinced myself. Always…in the back of my head…there’s the thought that MAYBE, just maybe…I really am confused. I try to like men. But it’s never the same. I’m always thinking about that one girl…
The sentence at the beginning…”It was probably about 4 years ago that I first liked a girl.” It took me about 10 minutes to write that. Because my fingers just wouldn’t type it.
I’m so scared of anyone knowing…that I made a fake email so that I could submit this story. Even though I was promised that my email wouldn’t be shown or used. I’m not really from Anderson. I’m really from a small town where someone might be reading this and guess who I am. It probably wouldn’t happen, but hey…what if it did?
I’m a very good pretender. I’m very good at picking certain people to pretend to have a crush on. And all my friends believe me! All my friends believe me when I post pictures of hot guys on my walls. It gets a little tricky when people start wondering why I haven’t had a boyfriend yet. But I don’t want a boyfriend, even if it would help the facade. It would be extremely unfair to him…and I would never be passionate about it.
I’m in love with this girl right now. And I know she’s straight. But I can’t stop feeling the way I do. And she’s my best friend. And that friendship hangs on a thread, considering my situation. And she likes this guy. And I give her advice…I give her boy advice. I try to help her get this guy. And it kills me. I go into the deepest depression every time. There’s no way I could tell her. Ever. That’s an impossibility.
So…I guess I wrote this for three reasons.
1) My emotions are so bottled up, I needed to tell someone. Why not tell people I don’t know?
2) To help convince myself…that I’m…
3) To ask you for advice…on…my whole situation…what do I do? Where do I go from here? Will I be living a secret forever?
I don’t know this, but from your letter I would expect that you are a minor still and/or are still living at home. Family can make coming out the easiest thing in the world or the most difficult. I always hesitate to offer advice, but if I were in your shoes I would wait, plan carefully for college so that I needed no help from my family to be at school, and then tell them about myself once I was safely away. In fact, that is what I did myself.
Coming out is important, you don’t want to hide forever it eats at a person and makes life’s flavor bitter. You just have to make sure not to put yourself at excessive risk when coming out.
It gets easier. I typed it too, the first time, on an internet forum under a username I’d invented specifically for the occasion. I stared at it for a long long time, my face burning, and finally I had to just close my eyes and hit “post.” I was terrified. But it was an accepting place (I knew that, or else I’d never have gotten up the courage to post there), and I got some positive responses, and that helped more than I could have guessed.
After that first post, it got easier and easier to write new posts. And eventually, I started to think about the idea of telling people in real life. At first, I just thought to myself, “If anybody asks me if I like girls, I’ll just tell them.” But nobody asked! At first, that kind of felt good, like I was safe. But it started to build up into an actual urge to tell someone. In particular, I was getting closer to my roommate, and I wanted to tell her.
Now that was a whole new level of terrifying! I knew my roommate was accepting of gay people, but still, she LIVED with me. What if she thought I was hitting on her? What if I made things awkward for the whole rest of the year? It could be really bad. But the urge to tell kept building. So finally I did.
And it was fine! She hugged me and told me it was fine. I think we’re actually closer now than we were before. And I feel much better.
But on the other hand…it doesn’t get easier. I’m still not out to a lot of my friends, even some very close friends. I’m not out to my parents yet either. I did come out to my brother, just recently – by IM. I typed it, and stared at it with my face hot, and finally shut my eyes and hit “send.” And then I couldn’t even look at the screen for the next few minutes, even as I heard my brother’s responses dinging back. Just like the first time all over again. But fortunately, my brother also took it well. So I feel like I can keep going.
That’s mostly a really long way of telling you you’re not alone. Luke is right – stay safe. If you’re worried about your family’s reaction, it doesn’t hurt to tell them from a distance, when you’re pretty capable of supporting yourself. But give people a chance – they might surprise you with how accepting they can be. Just take it at your own pace.
I remember exactly all of the feelings you are describing. The tentative certainty, the fearful power of knowing yourself through the realisation of difference. The roaring passion for someone you know is unattainable, but close. The expert awareness of other peoples’ perceptions of you. The insane level of self-control that races through the hidden-self every second of every day. The silent brilliance of considering that you really are ….
I’m 30 and male. Our experiences, all of our experiences, tie us together. It is the incredible gift bestowed by all this pain and I honestly believe that one day you will come to believe it was worth it. You might be alone now, you will not be alone forever.
You are not alone. Somewhere you knew that and that’s part of why you posted this to us.
There are people who know you now who will love you no matter what. There are people in the world who will love you in part because you have the courage to be honest with them. There are people who won’t -and ultimately they are not worth your time or energy.
You are worthwhile and loveable and your honesty with yourself and others will only enhance these qualities.
I’m sure not all of your friends really think you’re straight, and even if they do, they’ll be honored when you confide in them. Starting small is a good good place to start. People you don’t know, people you know cursorily, people you don’t really care about, your less close friends, your best friends, your family – wherever it feels right is the place to start.
Being terrified is normal and to be expected. There is nothing wrong with you. Embrace yourself and understand that you are not alone. You can find help and support in your community or outside it or in a new community you build for yourself.
There is no wrong way to do this.
Love and luck to you.
I know that it can be hard to believe people when they say “i know how you feel” but I, and many people on this site know how you feel.
Let me first congratulate you and praise you for actually typing those words! You did it! You admitted to yourself and to the people on this site that you are a lesbian! Welcome! You are in good company
I completely relate to what you describe. It took me years to realize that I didn’t “love” my girl friends the same way other girls did. I think because women tend to have very close personal platonic friendships it makes it harder for us lesbians to figure it out sometimes. I was always in love with a girl, but I pretended to have crushes on boys. I managed to fool everyone in my life, including me for a long time. I still fool a good number of people. I’m not out to my family either, or the people I work with. It’s still hard– I won’t lie to you about that.
But it does get easier. Baby steps, love, baby steps. The first step is accepting yourself for who you are. Really accept it. You are beautiful. You are wonderful! You are brave and exceptional and I can’t tell you how much I wish I would have known what you know now when I was 18. Love yourself— we all love you.
When I was first coming out I found it easier to tell strangers than my closest friends. If that works for you, tell strangers. Get comfortable with the words “I’m a lesbian, I’m queer, I’m gay” however you choose to view yourself. Slowly as you tell the people who love you, you will find that they are proud of you for your bravery. Wait to tell your family as long as you want…. don’t judge yourself for that.
I, too am from a small town and worry sometimes that people from that town will read my post on this site. It wouldn’t be too hard for anyone who knew me to figure out who I am. I’ve decided to take that risk. When you are ready, you can too.
My last piece of advice to find LGTB groups when you get to college. Join the Rainbow Club, find people who are like you and who can support you.
You are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not confused.
You among many loving women who love to love women.
Welcome!
As Luke said, it’s perfectly okay to tell people from a distance, and only when you’re ready.
But — and this is very, very, very important — don’t let that become the excuse to put it off forever.
I’ve met thousands of gay and lesbian and bi people. I’ve never in my life met or heard of someone who in the long run regretted coming out. Ever. Even the ones who had to deal with unimaginable pain when they came out. And the truth is, so many of us found that coming out was much easier than we ever expected. On the other hand, I’ve met and heard of many who regretted taking so long to come out, who regretted missing out on their youth.
My advice is, first of all, get comfortable with saying it to yourself. Look into a mirror and say three words. The first two are “I am”.
Secondly, any time the idea of coming out seems too hard or too painful, take a step back and think about everyone who’s never regretted doing it. Remind yourself of the people who hurt more than they ever have in their life when they came out, but are so happy now to have done it. Remind yourself of those of us who discovered it was much easier than we expected. Remind yourself that it doesn’t have to be right this moment, but it has to be sometime. Most of all, remind yourself that happiness is the worst-case scenario.
Hi,
I want you to know I used to feel exactly like you did, but now I’m 21 and go to college, and all that is behind me. My advice is to work hard in school and go to college, because it is your ticket to mobility and freedom.
I know that it can be hard and lonely to be gay, but please trust me, it is one of the best things you can be. You, unlike many many other people in America, are born into a community. The friends you make will be amazingly deep and meaningful, partly because you share a unique world that most straight people will never even grasp. You will see and understand things that other people never will and you will live a richer life because of it.
All you have to do is find your community.
I’m not saying to abandon your family and hometown, but you need to go and find friends and grow comfortable in yourself independently of your parents and hometown.
Don’t give up hope. You just need to find your place, and that takes time and effort. It’s hard to do, and you’ll feel uncertain a lot of time, but I went through it all, and I’m a better person for it. You have a place in the world and you will lead an amazing life filled with people you love and who love you. I am leading such a life and it’s largely because I’m gay that I met these people and went the places I’ve gone. Consider yourself lucky!
Hey Girl
I was 18 years old. I felt exactly you the way feel I was helpless. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to cover up my sexuality. I was the way so skinny and girly. Even at some point I tried to gain weight and ate everything I could. I bought clothes two size bigger than me. It didn’t work. Eventually I came out to myself but no one else. I didn’t say anything to my friends. I worked so hard and saved some money. I got out of my country. I’m much better now, I still didn’t come out TO my old friends. Now I live in NYC and have the gayest life I could ever imagine.
All I’m saying you don’t have to tell anything to anyone but yourself. You need to admit to yourself that you are lesbian After that you should work hard and find a way to find to get out of that town.
Get greatest grades at school and scholarship for a college. Be patient because sometimes it takes years to settle down but at the end you will be so much happy. Keep your chin up. Being gay is a wonderful thing unlike other people say.
P.S. If you ever need to talk to someone, my door is always open for you. I do understand, because I have been there.Honestly all gay people have been there.
Like everyone else has said, you’re not alone. I also come from a very strict Christian family and I’m just getting comfortable with admitting to myself that I am a lesbian (and writing it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, I guess – but I did go make a new e-mail address for this purpose, just in case).
No matter what your parents and their church say, it’s really okay to love girls! Even before you tell anyone else, you will feel so much better just from fully acknowledging your feelings to yourself. You don’t need to try to like boys if it doesn’t feel right, and you don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty about having feelings for girls. Focus on accepting yourself before you even worry about whether others will accept you. It helped me a lot to just think about women and how amazing they are, everything about them that is so insanely beautiful … as perverted as it may have felt at first, eventually I convinced myself that loving women is completely natural and beautiful.
It’s also okay to take your time and only come out to others when you’re really ready. Your safety is the most important thing to think about. If your friends might tell their parents who might tell your parents, if your teachers know your parents, if the overall atmosphere where you live makes it dangerous to be an out gay person, wait. If you’re financially dependent on your parents, don’t tell them until you could support yourself if you had to. I know it might be hard to even be around them when they think you’re their perfect Christian daughter. I dealt with that by getting a full ride to college thousands of miles away, which I strongly recommend. Get out of there, go somewhere where you can be yourself, make new friends who can accept you for who you are. And find a way to stop relying on your parents so that you’ll be okay no matter what happens with them in the future.
You’re a lot braver than you think and we’re all really proud of you for taking this step. I wish I’d been brave enough to think more about my sexuality and seek out advice here before I went to college. Then I might have been able to start with a blank slate and be open about my sexuality from the very beginning here, rather than wasting a year and a half with worrying and fear.
You are beautiful, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with the feelings you have for women. Hang in there!
I also want to thank everyone for their responses. I’ve been reading every story here since the beginning and I’m so grateful to all of you awesome people for helping me to feel not so alone. Rafi – “Most of all, remind yourself that happiness is the worst-case scenario.” is really touching. Thank you.
I love the advice you’ve been getting so far. Here are some feelings of my own.
Labels can be kind of terrifying at first. If saying “I’m a lesbian” or “I’m queer” is too tough for you, try to focus on action: “I’m attracted to girls.” That way, being queer doesn’t become the defining factor of your life, just another facet of the wonderful picture that is you.
Waiting ’til college is a great idea, if it’s the right college and atmosphere. In the meantime, perhaps maybe try not to think of it as a terrible secret you’re hiding, but as an egg you’re incubating, or a jewel you’re keeping safe, until the time is right to reveal it.
I know that right now you’re in love with your best friend, but I wouldn’t pin all my hopes on her if I were you. I’ve been there, and sometimes an impossible crush on a straight woman can feel like it’s a way to avoid dealing with all the implications of being in a same-sex relationship. But, paradoxically, being in a relationship can help you come out. It did for me. Again, I could focus on action instead of label: “I have a girlfriend” was easier to say than “I’m a lesbian”; and it eliminated people’s instinct to say, “Are you sure? How do you know?”
Most of all, take heart from the fact that you are *not* alone. Things are tough now, but there’s a whole world out here of folks who don’t think that being queer is the worst thing in the world. We’re here. Lean on us as much as you need to.
What you’re feeling today are emotions and fears that so many others on this site have shared. That’s part of what makes our community so strong: we understand the difficulty in coming out to yourself, to your family, to your friends, and then to strangers. We know about the fear,
I love the analogy that you are incubating an egg, protecting a jewel. This secret that you have will be shared one day and the people that embrace you will provide you the strength to be comfortable and to flourish as a strong, proud, beautiful woman.
I, and so many others who have commented already, are so proud of you for taking a moment to share your story. You feel alone today, and that’s okay, because as you start to read the stories on this site, and hear how other women and men felt the same way, you’ll understand that your future is bright and your life will be filled with love and warmth.
Be strong. You are loved, my friend.
Hey!
Your story is so similar to so many people’s–mine included. Even the whole email thing.
This is the scariest, hardest part of this whole accepting who you are and who you love bit. I would literally go back and forth everyday on whether or not I liked women in THAT way. It terrified me. I couldn’t even write it in my journal I was so terrified! But eventually I did–and it was liberating. And those crushes on straight girls, they happen. They’re hard, just as falling for anyone you can’t have is. But someday you’ll find that right girl (or guy, whatever!) and it’ll all be SO worth it.
And trust me, you can still have close friendships with girls! I thought I never would be able to as well, but I’ve built amazingly close, completely platonic relationships with women no problem! (when i came out to my first college roommate, she said “Sweet! I wish I was gay…let’s go to dinner!” and that was it) And because they’re accepting of my sexuality, they’re so much more amazing and enriching than those close-minded people I used to know. I’m sure it will happen for you too!
So here’s my advice to you: don’t let your sexuality be your defining quality. Whatever it is, it’s only an addition to your life. You own it, if you’re confident with it then why should anyone else have any qualms? Oh, and when I started coming out, people were like “duh! We’ve always known,” even my hardcore Christian mother. So people might even already know, making your job easier
Just be who you are, come out when and if you’re ready. People will ALWAYS surprise you. There’s no reason to tell someone you know will not be accepting–they aren’t worth it!!
Good luck. Just know that the LGBT community is awesome, one big family. Once you get plugged in you’ll always have a supportive family
Just look at how awesome the people who have commented are.
You are not alone. There are many of us in the area. Here are two websites to help you out. You are free to contact me as well for other resources or to just talk. In Mendocino County you have
PAN-www.pridealliancenetwork.org or http://www.gaymendo.org.
PFLAG-A resource to help your parents, family and friends for when you want to come out.
If you are in school, find out if there is a GSA, Gay Straight Alliance Club.
For Lake County.
LCP. http://www.lakecountypride.info-Here you will also find my home number and away to email me if you need support or to talk even if you are in Mendocino County.
I hope this helps. Keep your head up. you are not alone and you about to have an adventure. Stay positive there is support out there.
Sincerely,
Laurie
Hey there,
I wanted to tell you that I was in exactly the same situation as you in high school. The Christian background part wasn’t as strong, but it was still there. I invented boyfriends, I had a crush on my best friend… the whole works. I lied, I worried for 5+ years that maybe I was just confused, maybe this was all just a phase.
I’m here to tell you that things definitely get better… you just have to craft life for yourself and find ways to deal with things.
At the time I coped with it by writing poetry. I still have a huge folder on my computer filled with my writing, and now It’s one of my most precocious possessions because it’s a record of where I came from and the struggles I had to deal with.
I read every book in my local library on the subject. Granted I was the book worm type to begin with, but it really did help. I was so glad just to know I wasn’t alone. Although I recommend focusing on the positive stories like the ones on this site…
I also picked a few friends I trusted to tell. One was ironically the girl I had a crush on… I told her I loved her, but knew she was straight and so I wouldn’t do anything about it but just needed to get things off my chest.. And you know what she did? She gave me a hug and told me that everything would be alright. And she has turned out to be one of the best allies in the world.
Then when I got to college I got connected with the queer community and everything changed for the better. I almost didn’t get involved in the queer community. I figured I could just forget about everything… until my one of my suitemates told me that she was going to a queer meeting on campus. My decision to go with her that day changed my life. I have a steady girlfriend, an amazing support network, I’m head of a queer org, I’m out to my parents. I’m a healthier and happier individual. I’ve learned to trust people, to give them the time and space they need to accept me while also giving me time and space to accept myself.
So my advice is this: 1) find some sort of a creative outlet. 2) read… the stories on this website are a great place to start. I didn’t have this kind of a resource when I was your age and it would have helped me feel less alone. 3) find someone you can trust to talk to. friend, family, teacher, counselor it doesn’t matter, talking helps. 4) when you feel comfortable and ready find your way to the queer community. Were out here and we care about you. One of the joking codewords for gay within the queer community is “family”, as in “do you think they are family?”. But in a way it really is true. There is a gigantic family out there waiting to accept you, support you and love you… when every your ready to come find us.
Cheers and good luck,
~S
How are you doing Anderson?
You are 18 and already ao far ahead of many, including myself when I was your age. I knew that I was gay when I was 11 and burried it deeply under dates with girls and alcohol. The first time I ever said “I’m Gay” was when I was 28. Again, I burried it so deeply that it took me another 25 years bedore I came out to the world. And I sooooooo love being out. OMG the feeling of freedom from prison is intoxicating to one’s life.
How I finaly got there…how you might get ‘there’ is to realize the God made you this way. He deeply loves you this way. And the way you return the favor is to accept His gift of love. You love Him back by loving and taking care of yourself first. You understand that you have already been loved and accepted by the highest authority. You don’t have to change for anyone. By accwpting, loving and caring for your own spirit first, you place yourself in the best position in life to really love and care for others. You can them accept other people for just who they are, no changes necessary. People will see and feel this and be atteacted to you.
It just took me forever to figure out that loving myself first was the key to life. God so dearly loves you just as you are and it’s really OK to love yourself just this way…no changes necessary. Just grow to be and love yourself. The rest will fall into place.
Rick