I knew I was gay. When I was alone. In the dark, in the safe cocoon of my bed. When my own hands touched myself, and those images and thoughts went toward the movie star, the guy I had seen on the street, or my best friend.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I used to be in a band, I was the bass player – I still am! But at that time, there was no way you could come out, it just wasn’t done. I had wonderful friends in the band, it was like a different family – we stuck together and worked really hard. My best friend was the drummer – Shane – we were best mates. For those who don’t know, the bass and the drums have to really work hard together to make the music work – it’s the heartbeat of any band.

Anyway, although Shane was a very attractive guy, he wasn’t my thing sexually, he was just a good friend. In fact, my best. One night, after band practice, he and I took a drive to a playground not far from his house. I was at the point where I really wanted to tell him I was gay – he was my best friend, after all.

As we swung on the swings, I just couldn’t say it. I tried and tried to just get those three words out of my mouth – I AM GAY. But I couldn’t.

So, in my sad panic, I left the band and completely cut all my friends off. I never spoke to any of them again. I decided to go out and be gay, instead.

I had a wonderful time, once I accepted myself as a gay man – I danced, I made love the way I wanted to, I got screwed over by guys and I slowly became the strong, confident and successful person I am today.

Then along came Facebook, and I was asked to be a “friend” to “Stretchy”. I was intrigued. But in my total happiness now, I said, Sure, I can accept the “friend” thing. It turned out to be Shane, twenty years later.

The first thing I said was, “I’m really sorry I never told you I am gay, I know I should have, since you were my best friend.”

His response?

“LOL – I knew you were gay, and it never mattered to me – you were my best friend!”

He’s had three kids, been married and divorced and in and out of work ever since I knew him.

Life is a journey that only you can travel.

“Each of us, a cell of awareness, imperfect and incomplete.”

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