If you’re interested in being in a Video Story, just let me know and we’ll set up a time and place to meet.

Watch all the IFD Video Stories here.

For the transcript, Continue Reading.

I’m Deshawn Timothy and I live in Philadelphia but I’m from Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, and I’ve been here for about nine years.

I’m moving shortly, in about two months, and I ran across a picture of my great-great-grandmother. She passed away when I was like 16 but I have so many memories of her. I just remember this one time, I was learning my sexuality I guess you could say that, but I remember this one kid in my Kindergarten class, this kid named Adam, I remember having a crush on him so hard, I don’t even–when you’re 5, you’re like whatever, I just remember being like, “Oh my God, Adam, I want to play with Adam.” Adam was a cutie, I remember him being on the chubby side. I don’t know, he was this cute little white kid and we’d just color and played together and recess, it was just Adam, Adam, Adam. I just remember one day going to church with my grandmother and we passed Adam’s house, and I was like, “Mum-Mum, Mum-Mum, Mum-Mum! My boyfriend lives there!” And she’s like, “What? No. Don’t ever–don’t ever say that.” And I was like, “Why? But he’s my boyfriend. I love him.” And she’s just like, “No. Do not say that.” I didn’t really question it or anything because I always just did what she said. She’s a very hard-going, Christian, Pentecostal lady, and that’s just so funny for a 5-year-old who doesn’t know anything that, he just knows he likes Adam, he loves Adam to death, and he tells his Grandmum who he tells anything in the world, and the only time she ever got mad at him was when he told her that he liked a boy.

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I’m From West Orange, NJ - Video Story. “My mother’s mother took it the worst and she actually openly disowned me to the family for a few months. And my mother was so open and accepting and loving, and that’s kind of what I expected from my grandmother because growing up, that’s all I knew and to finally be at a moment in my life where I’m comfortable with myself and to reveal that to someone and to be outright disowned obviously is somewhat traumatic. But then she finally came around.”

I’m From Chicago, IL - Video Story. “We went back into the house and my mom and I were going at it, kind of going back and forth. My grandmother was living with us at the time because she had a massive heart attack the year prior, so she was very sick. 78 years old, walking with a cane, sleeping in our spare bedroom, and of course at 3 in the morning she hears shouting and she’s trying to figure out what’s going on, but she knows what’s going on. So she comes out of the bedroom and looks at my mother and says, “Charlene, I’m gonna whip you over the head with this cane if you don’t just love your son the way he is.”

I’m From Cut and Shoot, TX. “I attended a small Baptist church and a somewhat small high school. I have lesbian grandparents, which I believe assisted in this stigma against homosexuality in my household. I believe that my mother always resented my grandparents for being lesbians. She used to tell me how embarrassed she was of them. Therefore, the idea of coming out was not an option. And as you can imagine, the people of Cut and Shoot were not big supporters of it either. So I did what any good Baptist boy would do and went to school, met a girl, and got married.”

The first time I met her, I couldn’t recognize her as one of my classmates in school. She just waved at me with that brilliant sunshine smile. Ironically, my first thought was who is this crazy girl.

When I told her I was gay, there was a look of disgust on her face. She couldn’t accept who I am because of her religious teachings and she felt “disgusted.” Those were the words that stuck and are still etched onto my mind. But after a few days, she came and told me, “Chase, I was disgusted when you told me that you are gay, but you have to understand that I came from a place where the word “gay” does not exist, and you are the first gay person that I have ever met, but that does not mean I do not want you to be my friend.”

And that was 5 years ago.

Now, our friendship has blossomed into a wonderful relationship. We stood by each other through birthdays, loneliness, breakups, my coming out. Just 2 weeks ago, I brought my boyfriend to her place and introduced him to her parents, it’s like introducing my boyfriend to an extended family. But it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. Arguments still occur, big fights still happen. Her religious views still stand firm, and my advocacy views on gay rights do not waver. But in the end, she loves me for who I am as a person, and according to her, being gay is just part of me, it does not totally define who I am as a person, and her love for me is for Chase, and not for a gay boy.

She’s not your typical fag hag. She’s just someone who will pick me up from a gay club when I am drunk, talk to me on the phone when I am being left alone, defend my integrity, my rights, my character in my absence. Someone who will go shopping with me, tells me I look ugly today, check out cute boys with me, willingly be dragged along to check out dates with. She will always be ready to pick me up when I fall, and throw the confetti when we celebrate. She’s my best friend, Genevieve.

In the end, if there are friends who loved you, they will love you for who you are. They will celebrate your strengths and embrace the flaws.

Thank you, Gen.

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I’m From Santa Ana, CA. “Already sitting there and trying to give Klara some water, the designated driver seems glad to see me but she feels she has to hide it: I should be back there clubbing and making out with cute boys and this night was for me and I should go back and enjoy myself - blah blah blah - so why the hell am I here and not there? Because us girls gotta stick together.”

I’m From Singapore. “While in a car with 2 co-workers of mine, one of them brought up the topic of “cheating on the wife.” The next statement perturbed me greatly even though I did not show it, I was internally conflicted. “It is fine if you ogle at girls when you’re married, or heck, even go for the occasional one night stand. But as a guy, if you do not lust for the “bust”, you’ve crossed over to the disgusting gay side and there’s nothing worse than that.”

Drama drew me because of its freedom and endless possibilities. In my normal life I had to be who the world wanted, a boring and depressed male, but on stage I could be whoever I wanted. On that glorious stage I could be as feminine as I wanted and although I got quite a few unfriendly comments, I was happy. The stage was where I could find peace from my inner demons and where I could embrace my “other side”. It is this “other side” that now is the real me.

I left that stage years ago now and the plays I was in, the friends I made, the laughs I had are all fond memories. It was from that stage that I found out how powerful friends are and although the old troupe has gone their separate ways I owe an awful lot to that crew of misfits. As I said though, that was years ago and I’ve moved onto college now. When I began college I was scared, I knew no one, I was in mid transition and I was going into medicine instead of performing arts. The night before I would attend my first class I remembered a favorite line of mine from a play. “All the world’s a stage.”

So now I don’t need a theater to feel secure. I don’t need the bright lights and the flashy costumes. Now my whole world is my stage and I am my own character.

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I’m From Norwich, CT - Video Story. “My name is Dru Levasseur and I’m a trans guy. I started realizing that I was transgender right around when I was 27. It was a really scary time when I started realizing I was trans because I had had a lesbian wedding, two white dresses, and I was very visibly a lesbian, very much identifying in that culture. And gay bars were where it was the place I could go to feel safe and feel like I could be myself.”

I’m From Deep River, ON, Canada. “I’m… I’m transsexual…” I said. Despite the first stutter, it was amazing how easily it rolled off the tongue. As expected, she just stared back at me. “… And gay.” I added. And why not? It felt good to let my secrets out. Actually, a lot better than I’d expected. I was surprised that I’d been so emotionally invested in the thing. The idea had been a sudden whim, and yet… It was stupid, but I felt better for it.”

I’m From New Haven, CT - Video Story. “First I was a mentor and I said, “You know there’s gotta be more than this one trans kid who needs my help” so I started a youth group for trans kids between the ages of 14 and 17. And it’s amazing how when I’m sitting in a room with a kid and the kids like cryin’, “I’m cuttin’ myself. I don’t wanna be in school.” I’m like, “Dude, everything is okay. I was there.” So it’s almost like being with the kids rights all my wrongs. I always wondered why I was abused so much and why I was a cutter and I did so much drugs. Like, why was that thrown on one person? And now I know why.”

Coming of age in upstate New York, I felt I could go pretty much anyplace knowing there was some chance, however remote, that I would feel welcome. But in a city where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a Broadway hopeful, the welcome mat for last year’s Drama Club President is worn all the way through. In its place, I was greeted by a towering, sneering, hissing rodent who bore gnarly yellow claws and a grudge, and that was only the beginning. Even my dorm room was a disputed territory, with a native community of roaches comprising a well-organized and fearless insurgency that held its ground against an occupying force that truly had no knowledge of its culture, and no contingency plan. The rat and the roaches had staked their claim first; the pest was me.

One day, I was in my room grooming myself. The shower and toilets at The Stratford were communal, but for 750 dollars a month, the free market provided me with a sink and a mirror, which I used to style my dyed-blue locks, apply glitter to my cheek, and smear my pillowy lips with watermelon gloss. On this particular day, I was standing over the sink, adjusting the arrangement of tiny half-moons and stars on my eyelids, when a monster cockroach emerged, Godzilla-like, from behind a bottle of contact lens solution. Don’t let anybody tell you everything is bigger in Texas until you’ve shown them a New York City cockroach. It was big enough to choke with two hands, and equipped with body-length antennae that it whipped menacingly in my direction as though it planned to carve a crimson R into my forehead, as a warning.

I let out a shriek so high-pitched Mariah Carey broke into a cold sweat across town, and then sprang into action, scouring every available surface with my outstretched hands in a vain search for a roach killer, while keeping my vision fixed on the medieval beast in front of me. Finally I settled for a can of hairspray, flailing it in the direction of the roach and letting loose a fragrant, effete spray of product.

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHT!

*shakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshake*

And then, another.

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHT!

Having emptied the contents of the can, I succeeded in annoying the roach. It leaped down to the ground with a thud that sent hairline cracks through the linoleum, and came after me. I put to use some of the football moves I had absorbed in high school — by injection — and faked right, faked left, faked into the hallway, and then slammed the door shut when it scurried out after me. I locked the door for good measure.

When you live in the center of the universe, it’s “Go Big or Go Home,” and from disgruntled union workers with their inflated Shame Rat, to the primordial insects that waged a constant battle from any and all available points of entry, to say nothing about my cutthroat musical theater classmates, Manhattan’s inhabitants engaged in several fierce rounds of one-upmanship to register their disapproval of my presence, so that I would go home. I took a lesson from my insect nemeses and stood my ground, but I didn’t pay close enough attention to roach motels. If I had, I might have noticed some significant parallels taking shape.

Looking back and seriously considering my motivations for moving to New York City, I think Broadway success was a secondary priority. What I really wanted was to find friends who were like me, who were gay. In high school I’d only had one gay friend, and because we were basically stuck with each other we fought like cats; I’m not exaggerating; he literally filed his fingernails into points and was known to claw. Having felt alone and starved for community all those long years in suburbia, the New York City under-21 club scene presented an inviting smorgasbord of brightly colored sweets: eye-candy, ear-candy, and the kind of illicit candy certain drag queens sold from tiny baggies they kept hidden in their stilettos. And just like that, I fell into the cliché your average mom calls “The Wrong Crowd.”

Instead of engaging and building a real gay community from the ground up, my new friends and I just went straight for the Ecstasy of togetherness. Moreover, we tranquilized our ambitions, drowned our sorrows, and – what I’m saying is that we drank and did a lot of drugs. We made nightlife our only life, and like foolish six-legged pests who don’t know when a thing is too good to be good for you, we swapped toxic chunks of wasted time between us until we killed off what little community we had to begin with; I don’t keep in touch with a single one of the guys I’d considered my friends in those days.

Thoroughly poisoned by the spring of 2000, I had become a musical theater dropout with a substance abuse problem, and an eviction notice secured my spot on an old couch in my parents’ basement back upstate. As I spent the decade getting back on my feet, I explored different avenues of gay community and eventually found my niche with the Falcons, a GLBT (and allies!) soccer club that welcomed me with open, err, legs. Bad metaphor. Anyway, in the end the survival lessons I learned from the roaches of New York City have stayed with me for life. Armed with little more than sheer will, stubborn determination, and some help from my friends, I can now thrive even in the most unfriendly of places.

Good luck trying to get me out of Philly.

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I’m From Jacksonville, FL. “Selective corporate sponsorships aside, I can think of plenty of reasons to muddle in the street with the trash, the most urgent being that I am the trash, and this does define me. And that, once a year, it’s a real treat to be reminded I live in a city that, for all its problems, addictions, and assaults, cares that its trash knows it has a space here.”

I’m From Blairsville, PA. “It took New York City to finally make me confront myself and to forge who I am today. It took an out lesbian to ask me at work, even before I knew her name, if I was gay and for me to just say yes before I realized it was okay. Sure I was basically out to my friends since senior year of college but not to my family or truly to myself for that matter. And now here I am living in New York, five years after graduating college, trying to be an artist which basically has meant waiting tables to a hard-to-please clientele in midtown.”

I’m From West Palm Beach, FL. “And so, like most artists and non-artists for that matter who were seeking love, I moved to New York City! Adult playground for gays, straights, blacks, whites, freaks, bores, you name it. Truly the center of the world. And it was here in at the center of it all where I discovered that I am an obsessive loon! I moved to NY to find love because it’s all around. You just reach out and… touch. It’s everywhere, and I fall in love everyday.”

When I was a very young boy, I always played with girls - never with dolls, or dressing in gowns, but I just understood them. I had about two male friends between the ages of 5 and 9. One of the boys is now an out gay man, the other one I haven’t seen since my childhood.

Becuase my mother had no job when we moved to the south of my country, we had to go and live with my grandparents. Living there was like reading a novel. My sister and I were brought up without any knowledge of the world out there. Sundays we went to church and in the week we also went to Sunday school. In South Africa, the white population is mostly reformed (Protestant). The church follows the very strict teaching of Calvin.

I remebered hearing of homosexual people during my primary school years. My mother used to say, “These people are hurt and they chose a wrong lifestyle.” Being a happy young child I never understood this. At school I was called names like faggot, etc., but I thought those words were meant for men who dressed in women’s clothes or who were acting feminine.

I didn’t like football and I played the piano and many other musical instruments. Since a very young age I said to my mother I want to make music forever. She always tried to draw my interests in other directions. Because of all the scolding at school, I suppose she tried to protect me. I also liked dancing, and sometimes would put a record on and work on my own choreography. This would be a sign to let a child take dance lessons, but my mother stayed blind to that. I always saw in her eyes that she was almost sad seeing me so happy about all the artistic things in my life.

In grade 6 I noticed that I was looking at the boys. In the earlier years I would change in the toilets for school sports when the other boys changed, because I suppose like any hetero girl I knew that this was the “forbidden” territory. I was fascinated by male bodies and I wanted to see more.

Then in high school I realised what was happening and I was also in love with someone I never even spoke one word to. I had a female friend in grade 8, but after that I was more or less on my own with many classmates. No one ever thought of inviting me to parties, so I had no social life. I was also very sick in grade 8. The doctors thought I had blood cancer. That was not the case, but I missed a lot of school, and being alone so often made me go down that spiral of loneliness. In the end I sometimes played sick just to be on my own, because I could not face a world that would not accept me, or even notice me and maybe laugh at me. I composed and went into my own world where Tolkien and other wonderful creatures filled my days with dreams.

Then after school I attended University, and started studying piano performance. In the matric holidays I met a composer my own age. We played at a competition and stood for hours afterwards and talked. Being alone over the summer holidays (in December we have summer), I visited him. His family was completely liberal and his dad even told me, he wished his son would meet a wonderful guy! I don’t know if the fact that I had a sudden best friend or just being close to a guy, made me fall in love with him. But I was to him more of an interesting ship that passed by, so that did not go on long. Then I met a year later my real first love. The same story. We were friends for almost half a year, until one evening when he read to me and we were both lying down. I put my head against his shoulder, and everything became physical from then on. I was so much in love, and we were always together. But nobody was suppose to know of this, espescially not my family. My mother noticed something and kept asking me why I got home so late, and what we were talking about.

Then it came out because he was Austrian and wanted me to come to Austria with him. I told him it is over (against my feelings). He just didn’t want to accept it and fought against my family. It was a very dramatic experience and I was such a fool for not standing for him.

Anyway, then I decided to become straight, and went for a very long time to therapy. It was more of a religious therapy. Of course the person there was against me being gay, but the funny thing was that that was not the thing that came out in the therapy. It was more about my father, my mother, and most of all God’s great love for me. I had a really unexplainable meeting with God there, that changed my life until today.

When I got back, life started again, and I realised that this did not change my sexuality, but I could change my behaviour. I started delibrately not looking at guys, and being completely “pure” on this.

In 2003, aged 22 I came to Germany to further my studies in piano performance. This was a really big leap for me. I lived at home up till then and now I was in a country and continent where nobody knew me. I wanted to start a new life, maybe meet a girl and get married.

Of course it did not happen that way. Females mostly always see me as a brotherly friend and just want to hang out with me. On the other hand, I never find them attractive enough to get physical. With guys, that is completely different.

It was in this time that I met my husband. We had a very difficult start. I told him about my previous relationship, and that it was too difficult for me. I would just hurt him. But he kept coming back and we were always together. He became my new family here. He is a singer and I used to accompany him on the piano. We compose together (we even have a page on MySpace for our compositions).

We just got married in December, 2009. It was very difficult, because when I came out for the second time to my family and telling them that I want to pursue a life with a man, they were very shocked. My mother and sister still don’t approve. My mother never wants to see us together. Fortunately, my dad whom I started to know during my high school years for a short time, was very accepting and he even visited us a month ago and being an ex-pastor, wrote a bible message and phrase for our wedding.

It has taken me a long time to reconcile my faith and sexuality. Previously I was against gays and being gay, because of my beliefs as a “Christian”. My new motto is: I serve Christ and not Christianity.

Too many Christians unfortunately push individuals away from the church. This is because of cultural habits, I would rather say. God doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that two men are not allowed to love one another in a monogamous relationship.

I find we were put on earth to serve one another. I want to serve with my story, and with my music. I would be very glad to use my music and my story to reach others out there who are in need and pain. The film “Prayers for Bobby” made me weep for two whole days. I saw the movie about a year after my coming out. My life looked quite miserable at that stage. I am still working on standing up and being proud of myself and proud to be God’s child.

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I’m From Herndon, VA. “To be honest with you, I don’t know what happened one night in February of 2006. I think I had what alcoholics call a “moment of clarity.” I just realized that in my attempt to be the good Christian boy I was raised to be, that I had become completely socially isolated, was wracked with guilt and shame, and was now planning my own suicide. I wasn’t worth it, I thought. I said to myself right then and there that I would come out and live as a gay man, and if that didn’t work, then I could kill myself. Then I looked in a mirror, and for the first time said, “I am Gay,” and cried for hours, alone, in my dorm room. But the next morning, for the first time in my life, I woke up calm and at peace.”

I’m From Jonesboro, GA - Video Story. “It actually took a movie to kind of made them see a different side of things. And once they saw the movie, they understood where I was coming from a little bit more. The words I kept trying to express, but I quite couldn’t. The name of the movie was “Prayers for Bobby.” Really great movie. Some of the conversations that the mother and the son had in the movie are very similar to the conversations that me and my mother have had. And there was one point in the movie where he actually does find a partner–this is before he actually commits suicide–and is wanting to bring that partner home, wanting to share his life with his family, and his mother is not allowing it.”

I’m From Tazewell, TN. “I was raised on a 600-acre farm with a strongly religious family (my father and grandfather were both preachers). Despite being from such a rigidly traditionalist background, I was always a “different” boy. I liked things that girls liked. Talking rather than playing sports. Pastel colors. Cats and ponies rather than dirt bikes and dump trucks. It was confusing to me as a child…I felt completely happy, and yet the environment I was in seemed to label me a freak. I remember first hearing the word “fag” and not being entirely sure what it meant, but that it apparently applied to me.”

I’m From Eagle River, AK. “Mom, I have something I need to tell you.” I said, trying to find the words. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I will just put it out there. I am gay.” There are some things in my life that I never considered that I would be sharing with my mother, or any of my family for that matter. I never saw my preference in a love partner as anyone’s business but mine. The climate of hostility that still surrounds the issue of gay and lesbian people only secured the thought in my mind. All of that changed last year.

I’m From Quesnel, BC, Canada. Like most gays and lesbians, I knew from an early age that I liked boys. I remember playing house with my siblings and our friends and I would volunteer to be a wife (as we always had more boys than girls) and have a husband. Usually it was one of my brother’s best friends and the boy I had my first crush on. As we got older though and the ideas of right and wrong, good and evil entered into the mix I started to deny being gay. Both of my parents were involved in the ministry and my mother could always be heard saying anti-gay remarks and comments.

I’m From Mount Clemens, MI. I grew up in the church-going 70’s in a very Pentecostal family. Our church’s dos and don’ts were really all don’ts. So strict was the church that we didn’t even have a television, girls could not wear pants and had to wear their hair up all the time. As the 80’s set in, I started high school. I’d always known that something was different about me. My upbringing forced me to ignore myself and live only for others. Also in 1980, I nearly lost my mother to a rare illness. This only served to push me more into the church. At school, I was an outcast. It was always rumored that I was gay. But I didn’t do what other kids were doing because of my faith.

I’m From Long Island, NY - Video Story. So one day one of my roommate’s girlfriend found porn on my computer. Gay porn. Homosexual, you know, two men doing some shit. And she found the porn on my computer and she said to my roommate, “Dave has gay porn on his computer.” And Mike came up to me and was like, “Dave, we found–Sarah found–gay porn on your computer. We know it’s not yours, it must be Dan from downstairs.” Now we had this guy who lived downstairs from us, Dan, and he didn’t have Internet access so he used to come upstairs and use our computer.

NOTE: Dave Rubin is one-half of “Ben and Dave’s Six Pack, a high protein, low carb comedy” podcast. It’s a really funny, weekly, about-an-hour podcast that’s always a great listen. Just this week they had Joy Behar on their show and it’s definitely worth checking out. I’ve met and hung out with both Ben and Dave within the past month and they’re good (and funny) people. Ben’s Video Story will be on IFD in the coming weeks.

If you’re interested in being in a Video Story, just let me know and we’ll set up a time and place to meet.

Watch all the IFD Video Stories here.

For the transcript, Continue Reading.

My name is Dave Rubin and I’m from Long Island, New York and I’m in Brooklyn now, I was actually born in Brooklyn. So I’m coming back to my roots.

I was closeted for a long, long time and I was very, like, slow in the getting out process. I would tell one person and then I would wait until all the craziness and the bullshit and the lunacy would build up again and I was ready to start shooting people, and then I would tell someone. And then that would relieve it. And then I would wait again, months, and then tell someone.

So I lived with a couple of guys who didn’t know that I was gay and literally I was so crazed that when they would leave I would run to the TV to see if Queer as Folk was on–so that tells you it was a couple years back–but I would make sure that I had the last channel, you know, the last button on the remote control would be SportsCenter or ESPN, so that I’m watching Queer as Folk when they’re gone and the second they walk in, BAM, SportsCenter. And that was the level of the craziness, and a lot of people do that. You end up lying all the time and you become an incredibly good liar without even trying to lie, which is kind of amazing.

So one day one of my roommate’s girlfriend found porn on my computer. Gay porn. Homosexual, you know, two men doing some shit. And she found the porn on my computer and she said to my roommate, “Dave has gay porn on his computer.” And Mike came up to me and was like, “Dave, we found–Sarah found–gay porn on your computer. We know it’s not yours, it must be Dan from downstairs.” Now we had this guy who lived downstairs from us, Dan, and he didn’t have Internet access so he used to come upstairs and use our computer. They believed–I didn’t even have a chance to lie. That’s how good my charade was. And then my roommate was like, “Oh, I’ll get rid of it”, he was a computer guy and said, “I can get it out of the registry”, blah blah blah, but these were Corbin Fisher monthly passes. I mean, I couldn’t risk that, so I was like, I’ll take it, you know.

Turns out that the guy who they thought was downloading really, really good porn on my computer, he’s married now, he’s not gay. I remember for the duration that I lived there, for the next couple months, every time he came in, it was like, ohh, there’s the porn guy… And I just sort of sold him up the river, you know, obviously I knew the truth but I wasn’t ready.

So eventually I did tell that roommate–we had moved out, I had told him and his wife together. She was the one who found the porn on my computer. And actually when I told them that I was gay, she immediately, I mean, she literally as I’m like, “I’m gaaaa–” like before I got the “y” out, she was like, “That was your porn! I knew that was your porn!”

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I’m From Hollis, NH. “When I was 13 or so, perhaps even 12, I was introduced to the amazing world of Internet porn by my brother and his friends. I very quickly learned the ropes, remembering to delete my Internet history after each perusal. It was here that I discovered when looking at pictures of sex I always concentrated on the man. This led to further discoveries, like how there was an entire class of porn entirely devoted to males and even–to my amazement–men having sex with other men (a thought I fantasized about but never realized was something others also desired).”

I’m From Bohemia, NY. “We fumbled for cash to bring the odd ride to an end when Hussein abruptly broke his stare in the reflection and turned his eyes directly on us through the cut-out in the plexi-glass divider.  Seconds felt like minutes, and through thick black facial hair his lips parted, he spoke in a strong accent,  “I like your porno.”

I’m From Oneonta, NY. “I first looked at gay pornography that same year. Merely the sight of those men performing their carnal dance was enough to make the blood pulse hot and heavy throughout my body. My computer monitor became a surrogate trick, something to get me off without questions, ridicule, or meaning. I double-clicked on the web browser with sweaty palms and bated breath. I typed the address of a site while my pants shrank around my hips. Without ever knowing it, those strange men provided me with the most profound ecstasy and the most deep-seated shame.”

I found a friend at church. We hit it off right away and spent as much time together as we could. We were always the good kids. Always did what we were told. We even double-dated a few times. Although I think we were really dating each other. After high school, I went to college and he went into the army. I found that I missed him more than I could ever imagine. While he was away at basic training, his parents announced that they were divorcing (a huge DON’T in the church). And the next thing I knew, although he had not completed his training, he was home again. He never told me why. I know that 2 days later, he and his girlfriend were split up. I was working late that night at my part-time job. He called me at work and wanted to talk right then. I told him that I was not allowed to talk on the phone at work and I would come over when I got off at 11pm. I never talked to him again. He was found dead in his pick-up truck with his brains splattered on the back window.

I had suspected for years that he too was gay. The tragic way that his life ended, only made me believe even more that being gay was wrong. I once again found refuge in the church. I finished school and dove into my career. I figured that if I could not be with a man, I would give my life to helping others and my career. Eventually, I even started dating a girl. After asking her to marry me, I began to realize what I had done. I was able to break things off before it was too late.

A few years later, my high-tech career gave way to new technology and I found myself out of work and alone. This time when I turned to the church, I was called out. Basically told that it was my own doing that things were not working out for me. That my impure thoughts were what had made me lose everything. For the first time, I was turned away from the church.

I went to the park and was sitting on a grassy hill. Out of nowhere, this little kid showed up and asked me if I was okay. He told me that everything was going to get better and that he would prove it. He asked if I would like him to find me a four leaf clover. To humor the kid, I said yes. After about 10 minutes of searching, he looked at me and said, “Here you go, now everything will change.” I’ll be damned if he didn’t place a fresh picked four leaf clover in my hand. He then smiled and left. I have no idea where he went to or who he was with.

The Internet was fairly new then and I, being from a high-tech background, actually had access. I answered an ad from what sounded like a nice guy from a near-by town. We emailed each other for 2 months. I saved every email. I cross checked everything that he said to make sure he was being honest with me. Then one day in early February of 1999, I went to meet this Internet stranger. Strange he was. I was fascinated with him. We were about the same age and both had never dated guys before. We quickly became best of friends and started doing everything together. Then in June of 2005 we invited two of our best friends to accompany us to Toronto to witness our wedding. It was pride week, so we invited a million or so people to the reception. And everyone came. We had a parade and everything.

It was a very long road to get here. I had to come out to my parents and siblings. I lost a very good friend and learned a lot about the church and Christianity. And how the two don’t always go hand in hand. In the end, all but one of my sisters accepts that I am gay. My parents love my husband as much as I do. I could not imagine my life without him or all of them. I wish that I had the courage to come out at a younger age. But then I would not have experienced everything that I have. I hold no grudges. I only hope that young teens can find the courage to live their lives for themselves. You’ll never be happy as long as you are denying yourself of who you are.

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I’m From Oneonta, NY. “Thankfully, this story is not about a boy’s life without love. It is about a miracle. It is about a man who walked into my life one humid, August night. He was beautiful, kind and confident. He was a perfect stranger. I felt an unfamiliar pull towards this intriguing man. I do not remember the topic of conversation that night, but I do remember feeling giddy, breathless, excited and unnerved.”

I’m From Sydney, Australia. “Ten years of Buddhist practise has grounded me, nearly seventeen years of being sober and clean has healed me of many demons. I reflect on all those years living the lie, and trying to drown the truth away in a sea of booze and alcohol. Being gay is simply a part of me, as it has always been. But I can now stand proud. That kid with feelings of difference and alienation is long gone. The truth has indeed set me free. I am completely comfortable in my own skin. And really, that’s all I ever truly wanted.”

I’m From Bellingham, WA. “Long story, short…I married, raised 4 kids, threw myself into missionary work, church work, personal work. Divorced after 29 yrs when I came out to myself, my family and friends. I loved my life, my wife, my kids, the many, many friends I had gathered over the years. Standing up for what was true inside and being it on the outside was both glorious, thrilling and devastating.”

As we got older though and the ideas of right and wrong, good and evil entered into the mix I started to deny being gay. Both of my parents were involved in the ministry and my mother could always be heard saying anti-gay remarks and comments. My mom was one of my closest confidants as she was always with me when I had to be in the hospital, which was a lot up until I was 16 or 17, though as much as she was a confidant she was my warden. People and TV programs or channels were banned from being played in our house because she thought they pandered or catered to deviant/unholy lifestyles. My mom made my home a prison.

This home life made me start to think that god hated me. I thought and believed from my mother and church that being gay was a perversion of evil. Being evil meant I could not be good and thus would not go to heaven. I hated myself in high school. I was always depressed and sad. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone when I was younger so I started portraying a happy and optimistic persona to get me through the day at school, work or home.

It wasn’t until I moved away to university that I realized there were other opinions and other choices of belief. I loved my university life, but my family was still too close to me. My older brother went to the same university and in my second year my sister did as well. I thought I had to come out and I tried in my third year at university over the winter holidays to my mom and my sister. That ended terribly and made me regret what I had done. I was told my dad would have a heart attack if he found out, I was destined to go to hell and never see my family when I died and that everyone would be so devastated when they found out.

I couldn’t hide who I was anymore and believed my family wouldn’t accept me, so when I returned to university I ran. I moved to a city my family would never have a reason to visit unless they were coming to see me. I hid. For 5 years I had very limited conversation with my family. For 5 years my mother and my sister had time to accept that I was gay and reach out to me, they didn’t. They convinced themselves that I was mistaken and was actually straight. The few times I did see them I know I perpetuated this straight life.

I believed this would be my life until I met my fiancé.

He and his open and accepting family made me want that. It made me want to have that with my own family. Within that first year of my relationship I had to attend my sister’s wedding. I had physically and mentally changed. I was more outgoing, more open and more resilient to my mother’s comments than I was before. Soon after I returned home to my fiancé–my boyfriend at the time–I received the call.

The call was where my parents in a roundabout way asked if I was gay. I said yes. The phone was dead for what seemed like forever. At the age of 27 I came out to my parents. For one year my mother would not have a conversation with me. My dad made an effort to call me once a week. This was the beginning of a relationship I never really felt I had growing up. My father who was not one of my confidants now is and my mom who had been there for me for years no longer is. I’m okay with that though as that is her choice. Not mine.

It’s a strange twist on my reality, but one that I am happy with. My siblings are coming around after almost 6 years now and me being gay is no longer a family topic. Well, not one they discuss with me because they know in no uncertain terms this is who I am. It took me years to come out. But coming out to my family was the hardest and the best thing. I know being gay we make our own “family” but if your family can be a part of that inclusive family you feel a joy you can’t properly express. I hope one day my family will be.

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I’m From Tehachapi, CA. “…my father, a manly man raised in a small Texas town to be anti-emotional and anti-affectionate, patted my hand gently and told me that he loved me because I’m his son, not because of who I want to love. This gesture meant more to me than almost anything else. I can count on one hand the number of times that man has even hugged me, let alone told me how much he loved me.”

I’m From Phoenix, AZ. “The idea of coming out to my family terrified me because my parents influenced a bleak and shameful outlook upon homosexuality. My mom always cringed at the sight of gays showing affection and my father had been arrested before for hitting a guy who simply made a pass at him. Not to mention that my father was also an abusive spun-out drug addict known best for his irrational mood swings.”

I’m From Humble, TX. “I had my first boyfriend when I was 16 years old and my mother would hint around that she wanted me to come out to her. She would say that she loves me no matter what, and that I could always talk to her if I needed to get anything off my chest. She eventually sat me down to force the truth out of me, and that was when I decided to verbally announce my sexuality to her. As it turns out, the reality of my sexuality was much harder for my mother to handle than she thought, and her support was suddenly non-existent.”

There are some things in my life that I never considered that I would be sharing with my mother, or any of my family for that matter. I never saw my preference in a love partner as anyone’s business but mine. The climate of hostility that still surrounds the issue of gay and lesbian people only secured the thought in my mind. All of that changed last year.

In January of 2009 a good friend of mine, Chris, passed away from complications with the HIV virus. I took his death hard, but in a way it helped me more than I knew at the time. The whole time that I knew Chris he pushed me to talk with my family about being gay. He told me that the closet put so much stress on me that I wasn’t even able to see yet. When he passed away I was finally able to see what he meant.

For over a month I was not able to discuss with anyone that a close friend of mine had just died. I was not able to cry about it. I was not able to deal with the feelings that his death brought up in me. Instead these feelings were only allowed to fester and grow inside of me until I could not bear it anymore.

I called my mom one morning. “Mom, we need to talk. Would it be alright if I came over tonight?”

“I would love to talk with you, John.” She said. “Come over when I get home from work.”

Even with the now obvious stress that keeping quiet was putting on me, I almost backed down. I almost chose to remain silent. The level of hostility that still remains in society around the issue of gay and lesbian people scared me enough that I was not sure how my own mother would take this news.

“Mom, I have something I need to tell you. I don’t know how to tell you this, so I will just put it out there. I am gay.”

“I am not shocked.” my mother said.

“Is that all?” I asked, ready for any response.

“John, I still love you. I am not shocked by this. If you are going to choose to explore this path, I will support you. There may come a time when things change for you. You don’t really know who you are until you are a bit older.” she said.

I had a mixture of feelings. Mostly overwhelming joy, though. There was a subtle hint of annoyance, but joy overpowered this. She still loved me. These were the words I was hoping to hear for longer than I realized.

“What made you want to tell me this now?” She asked me.

I explained to her that I had a friend that had died recently, and that having to hide this part of me meant having to hide my pain in relation to him.

The conversation went long into the night. There was a lot of happy tears mixed with some sad ones. When the conversation drew to a close my mom offered these last words.

“John, I want you to be happy. If this is what will make you happy I will support you. If you bring someone home, though, be sure it is someone I would approve of, male or female.”

In the months since this I have had similar conversations with the other members of my family. I look back on the last 9 years that I spent hiding with a lot of regret. I somehow allowed other people’s fear and misunderstanding of gay and lesbian people to damage and restrain my relationships with my family. I spent nearly a decade hiding from myself. Now I will spend the next decade, and longer, working to ensure that the next generation will not have to hide from themselves, or anyone else.

I leave you with the words of the author Dr. Seuss. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

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I’m From Colby, KS. “Several days later she came to me and asked if I’d be willing to talk to a priest that her friend, knowing about homosexuality, had recommended. This surprised me as Mother is an Atheist. We called him and Mother and I listened to him. He began talking about how it was a sin. Mother took the receiver out of my hand and placed it on the cradle, looked at me and said, “This man has nothing for you.”

I’m From Granville, OH - Featured Artist. “Throughout this never-ending internal turmoil, my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Not long after I had turned fourteen, my father and mother sat my sister and I down and explained that my mother would pass away within a few months and there was nothing more that the doctors could provide to stop the cancer. It was at this time that I became closest with my mother and when I finally accepted that I am gay. Not a day passed in those few months that I didn’t want to tell her. I phrased it so many ways in my head but unfortunately the cancer triumphed. Looking back, I think she knew and if she were here today, I know that she would be proud.”

I’m From Odessa, TX. “After that, I put some better locks on the closet that I was hiding in. It wasn’t until I went to college and studied abroad that I was able to finally kick down the door and release my true nature, finally coming to terms with being a gay man. What a phenomenal and rewarding ride it has been! I am so thankful for my negative initial coming out, because I would not have appreciated my current level of personal freedom as much as I do now.”