I am an 18-year-old gay teenager. Combine that with the fact that I have severe ADD and acne, and am a uncoordinated nerd, and you have a typical high school outcast. The funny thing, though, is that I’ve only accepted that I am gay for a year. It should have been obvious; for example, the first dream I remember having is about a magical pair of shoes that I could put on and turn into a girl and then go kiss other boys. But all through my life, I’ve come up with excuses for myself. When I was little, I told myself that I wasn’t interested in violent sports or in taunting the girls because I was sweet and gentle. In middle school, when I started developing a semi-loving relationship with another outcast boy, I immediately ditched him and worked hard to interest myself in masculine things, like sports and the Simpsons, which didn’t last very long. When I thought about sex and always focused on the men, I thought I was just imagining myself doing it. Even two years ago I had a “girlfriend” (read: fag hag) who I thought was revolting but still took to the big dance to help keep up my own illusions. I guess I was in self-denial because all my family members are religious conservative Republicans and all my life I listened to them make nasty comments about our gay neighbors, my gay teachers, etc.
All until my school had a big “diversity assembly.” Yeah, I know, it sounds corny, but when one of my schoolmates stood up and came out in front of the whole school, I had a huge epiphany. Suddenly I was gay. It sounds really strange, but from that moment on, I was completely obsessed. I read every single book with a gay person I could find (in the library, because I was too afraid to check them out). I watched hours and hours of gay movies and TV shows on YouTube wearing headphones. I even forced myself to listen to Madonna, even though I hated it. When I came out to my sister this winter, she thought I was insane because I was so obsessed. I was making up for all those years in denial.
I am moving to college in four days and am desperately hoping to find someone to love me. But I have never even had real friends. I don’t know if I can stand this intense longing any more.
Slow down! You commented “But all through my life, I’ve come up with excuses for myself.” I expected to find out later in the story that you were now 30 and finally coming to terms. But only 18 or so? I respect you for knowing and accepting yourself at such a young age, but you need to slow down and enjoy the new found you and the gay community that awaits you. Good luck!
While high school is way (way) in my rear-view mirror, I can sort of relate. I’m gay, I have pretty strong ADD, and at 48 I still deal with acne sometimes. I also have a partner of ten years who is now, thanks to the wonderful people in Massachusetts, my husband.
Love will come in its own time. One thing that I can tell you is someone who knows and loves himself (zits and all) is dead sexy.
You’re going to have a great time in college! Best of luck! It sounds like you’re doing fine, and you haven’t wasted your life or anything.
hey there!! Life it’s full of surprises, even when you don’t know what is next, life seems so hard, the life put you on a new adventure!
hey little man Im 20 by now and I wish be so brave to tell everyone in the college “Im gay” even my parents… Now you’ll see how your life change, a new whole world it’s in college and go on!!