I grew up in the country. Isolated but protected; sheltered yet alone. The nearest house was a half-mile away. School was at least a thirty minute bus ride. There was a boy my age within walking distance, but we didn’t play together after his parents sent him to private school in third grade. Until I could drive, my parents had control of my contact with the world.
When I realized who I was (what I was) I looked around and realized I was alone. There was no one else that felt like I did. A few understood, maybe even accepted, but that wasn’t enough. If I wanted to be myself, I’d have to go someplace else. At first, I wanted to flee; go out the door and run until I couldn’t see the farms and open fields and small towns anymore. Run until I felt safe. Run until I found someone like me.
As time passed, the panic dimmed. I had to leave, but I could wait until the time was right. When that time came, I put as much distance between myself and the farms and open fields and small towns as I could. Each step of my journey took me farther and farther away from the place I called home. I found others like me along the way and also discovered that despite my fear, I’d never really been alone in the first place.
At the time, I don’t think I could have explained what I was so scared of. Many years and thousands of miles later, I look back at the place where I grew up and realize I wasn’t the only one. But back then, looking out from that small, sheltered place I called home, I could not see how I would ever meet someone else like me if I stayed there.
Now I wonder if by leaving, I’ve ensured that the next person will feel equally alone. I hope not. I hope that the next kid realized he didn’t have to choose between his home and himself. I hope he was smarter, and didn’t let his fear overpower him. I hope the next one broke the cycle and chose to stay as proof to the rest of us that no matter where we are, we are not alone.
Very nice. I had the exact same feelings growing up in the country. I dreamed of living in the city and grew up to do just that.
“I hope that the next kid realized he didn’t have to choose between his home and himself.” No one, kid or adult, should ever have to make that choice. Hopefully after reading your story, they won’t have to. Thanks for sharing.
I grew up as a straight kid in a weatlhy suburb interacting with lots of other teens who were for all practical purposes, “just like me” and I ran just the same. I think a lot of us have to leave home to find ourselves. But hopefully this site and stories shared like yours will make sure people can “be” themselves anywhere they call home.
wonderful wonderful story